Ok so this is the first "non constructed" blog that i am writing in quite some time...
Ive got this very special lady in my life right now and alot of stuff is happening in our relationship. Theres the occasional tug at each others ropes and there has been alot of shit happen that we are not able to control. Of the good things there have been many days and nights we sit up together pondering how all this could be happening from 3000 miles away, and in 6 dyas we will find out how and why and we will be able to look each other in the eyes and say i love you while holding each other...
But getting back to the title...
Id have to say that it is amazing to be able to feel someone so far away, i have woken up a few times knowing she was hurting and it turn out to be true, wiether talking txt'ing stickam'n or any of the other digital medias that we are enjoying we can sence each others emotions and feel them almost with no need of words
At first i was a little tweeked when we started to notice this cause we were like "how the "f" is this happening" and i think after the last couple of days we know that we feel each other becuase of the special bond in our relationship that will keep us connected at the soul for a long time no matter where the relationship goes...
it has been a crazy crazy two months of emotion and it is all coming to a crazy rush of 6 days... 6 days till hand holding, 6 days till (as she puts it) slips me the tounge... 6 days till we cuddle up with hot coco and talk about our shitty childhoods becomeing women/men that we are and how we want to continue to grow.. .and even as i write this i can feel her, i can feel her now as she is in a deep sleep, and i can feel the projected future of her warm eyes enviting me closer as her smile teases my sences and awakens me with a joy that i have always longed for...
ok ok so im a super sappy romantic but so is she and for the first time with a lover i feel like some one is goign to be able to match my love...
when you feel someone and they feel you, when you ache and they loose their breath, when their pain brings you to tears, thats when the love you share gets wrapped around each other thats when love gets projected into something soo deep you feel it and the other person all the time
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Girlfriends...
I want a Girl to keep me young,
chasing each other threw the fall leaves we will run until we fall over from exhaustion, laying there we will look up at the clouds constantly changing like the world around us. We will then look into each others eyes and get lost in love, oh the butterflies that this girl will give me.
I want a Lady to escort around,
arm in arm we will travel from ball to ball, dressed to kill we will conquer the night with elegant style, ending up in bed NOT to spend the night solely ravishing each others bodies, but a lady to lay with to dream with and to plan a future with.
I want a Woman who loves God and people,
who wants to ponder the world with, a lady, one that understands that in order for her to become a woman and I a man, we must think about the world around us extracting our feelings from the mess that is the earth and together we will share our thoughts and define our goals for the better of society.
I want a Lover to spend my nights with,
Not a freaky bitch that just wants to fuck, but a passionate woman to comfort me when the world has cracked its whip on my back, I want the lover inside of a woman to be able to express the same amount of love towards me that I have for her.
I want a Friend to spend eternity with,
a "girlfriend" should be your best friend, it should be someone that above all the other bull shit and above everyone else she believes in you. This friend will have to be fun, we will have to laugh, and we will be able to share tears.
Little lady lover friend where are you? When will we meet, how will the future change because of the joining of our spirits?
chasing each other threw the fall leaves we will run until we fall over from exhaustion, laying there we will look up at the clouds constantly changing like the world around us. We will then look into each others eyes and get lost in love, oh the butterflies that this girl will give me.
I want a Lady to escort around,
arm in arm we will travel from ball to ball, dressed to kill we will conquer the night with elegant style, ending up in bed NOT to spend the night solely ravishing each others bodies, but a lady to lay with to dream with and to plan a future with.
I want a Woman who loves God and people,
who wants to ponder the world with, a lady, one that understands that in order for her to become a woman and I a man, we must think about the world around us extracting our feelings from the mess that is the earth and together we will share our thoughts and define our goals for the better of society.
I want a Lover to spend my nights with,
Not a freaky bitch that just wants to fuck, but a passionate woman to comfort me when the world has cracked its whip on my back, I want the lover inside of a woman to be able to express the same amount of love towards me that I have for her.
I want a Friend to spend eternity with,
a "girlfriend" should be your best friend, it should be someone that above all the other bull shit and above everyone else she believes in you. This friend will have to be fun, we will have to laugh, and we will be able to share tears.
Little lady lover friend where are you? When will we meet, how will the future change because of the joining of our spirits?
G'dang diggity-common market
I don’t know how to make it any clearer
Yeah, I got desires, but above those are standards
So I aint always trynna do exactly what the next man does
They say I come across a little self-righteous
But when it’s said and done, I’ll be the first one to step up in the cipher
i like those lyrics
Yeah, I got desires, but above those are standards
So I aint always trynna do exactly what the next man does
They say I come across a little self-righteous
But when it’s said and done, I’ll be the first one to step up in the cipher
i like those lyrics
Monday, September 10, 2007
The sun
Oh the love hate love relationship i have with the sun, it gives us so much life but when we are stranded it also sucks it away.
Im waiting on food right now its 3pm and im having my first meal of the day despite the satisfaction from the 20 powdered mini doughnuts i consumed this morning. And instead of sitting patiently at my table waiting for my teriyaki, i walk outside to get a breath of fresh air and a sense of livelyness. Whenever im completly exaughsted from the vigours war path that is the corprate world i take a break to enjoy mother nature and i feel life come running back to me.
You and me sun, we are one hell of a team, just dont beat me down anytime soon, cause right now i need you to give my body the life it so desperatly demands.
More likes:
How the sun tans the ladies and makes them look ohh so fine ;)
changing a situation to a solution
changing a "situation" to a solution
So holy crap this week was already the MOST important week of my life, im in DALLAS TX having board meetings all day, shaping my future for me and my future wife.... and then the woman i wanted to eventually "wife-alize" let me down
Thus creates our "situation"...
The situation is quite easy really there is this job, a great job that i have to focus on, ill talk about the difficulties of this task since the situation has arrived, AND there is the situation with the woman, whom i still love, but have been hurt by...
its 5pm on 08-07-07 im expecting a call from ashley right now, im sitting in this board room, paying attention only to the key words that will tickle my ears for attention. im trying to use this blog as an outlet of emotion and feeling, ive always tried to hold myself up on my own all manliy like becuase i can usually hold my composure. I look good, i look like i got alot of sleep i DONT look like i was up till 2AM waiting for a chance figure out the "situation",
***interuption ashley calls***
this is a good thing, im really glad she called, im really glad we are talking and we are trying to talk about life in general and not just about the "situation", but i continue to talk to her about the steps we need to take inorder to find a soulution. i continue my diggin for information and then, pause think back to what she needs and wants right now and i ralize i have to draw back a bit, i need to continue to be her friend, i need to lover her, and make all the best attempts to respect her and give her a chance to gain back my trust and my desire to honor her....
***thats basically the call***
The situation is interesting, i dont want to talk about details, lets just talk about feelings and emotions and how the human brain listens to them (sorry chris for using that terminology) I sorround myself with people who think, i hope to continue to get paid for being a damn good thinker, it is thinking that prepared me for this "situation" it was the ability of my brain to analyze three situations with three seperate outcomes all at once that made me feel free,
Most people look at me when i am thinking and think to them selves (or tell me) that i look really depresed, truth is, its not a depressing feeling its a feeling of being confinded to my mind, which sounds cool to say "im confinded to my mind" and that makes me feel both trapped but also extremely rich
The ability to understand ones mind is an personal skill that i belive isnt ever complete... how then are we able to think that we will be able to understand the brain of another...it makes finding solutions to situations one hell of a bitch, we have this idea about the solution and we think we know the other persons reaction but really we have no idea untill the reaction comes...
take my situation, it was one in a few situations that i was letting my brain process even though i could never foget how it realted to life and work, i was able to take this one situation and disect it till i was comfortable with ever single out come
THE HARDEST OUT COME
this would def have to be the outcome that didn't envolve ashley in my life, it is an out come i still try to ignore, it is the only out come that makes me rethink ALL other solutions in life, it is a VERY powerfull outcome
this outcomes power comes from teh fact that im still in love with her after this situation came out, its odd and many people say its wrong or its fullish to listen to this feeling called love, but its a damn strong thing, there is something about the love that i dont want to belive that this "stupid" outcome is possible.
Im not certain what all this means, ha ha ha, i can tell you and will continue to tel you about how love impacts my life, how at the end of the day if someone where to ask me what makes my world trun i would say simply this:
The LOVE of JESUS and MY LOVE for ASHLEY
if she can not continue to supprt that love ill have to move on, there are no other choices, love is worth fighting for yes... but her love can not be bound to my desire to end a situation with a certain solution
HER LOVE
her love has to come deep from whiten, her love has to be true and prominint, hwer love has to show as much as a 15yr old kid cant hide his morning wood!i have to know that im the one, that the future matters, and that the past is just that, THE PAST,
can i truly hold my self upto the same standards i hold for her, can i foget the past, can i move on can i put all this bullshit behond me and jsut listen to the love we may still share... i dont know but ill keep posting those findings here, i wan to put it down on "paper" i want people to look, and analyize, i want people to invest time in there selves try to reach the same conclusions that i am trying to reach that is CAN I UNDERSTAND MYSELF ENOUGHT TO UNDERSTAND SOMEONE ELSE, and CAN THAT PERSON LEARN TO UNDERSTAND ME... we will see my friends we will see, much love and happy trails for all my frineds, dont worry about me, im fine, lets go out and enjoy the moment... my moment is going to be the hot tub in the hotel :-)
its 9am on 08-08-07
One more year till its a day of all eights my favorite number, my least favorite day so far, THIS morning i feel like shit, i feel abused, i feel used, i feel a slight sense of abandoment... i want to just shout of a word or two, man i need to focus so bad today! Last night ash and i talked, i wanted to talk like friends, i wanted to forget about all the shit that has happened, but i couldn't ive got three more days of this torture untill the real heat comes, can i handle it, will she be true about it...
SON OF A B, im not even sure what to say today, its not a very positve outlook kinda day, its quite a gloomy day, a day of recognition for what ACTUALLY happend i was wronged SO bad.Id like to belive that i can rise above this with her, id like to think the future is bright with her, but im not sure that i can think positive today
One positive thing is that i DO know il be ok, no matter what i choose ill be ok, i know that right now for the first day (a non board meeting day) i feel like soaking it all in, i feel more raw emotions flowing today than ive alowed to flow all week, yet im not able to write them down as easy, man it sucks so bad, will she even read all this, does she even car about all this, holy shit if she dosent, thats shallow, if she does then i know that she does care about it,
SHE was never a cheater, she never wronged anyone before me WHY THE HELL ME, why the hell did she have to freaking screw with a guy that has that "heart of gold" just why why why, how how how... as you kissed him what did it feel like did you enjoy it did it make you sick at first but then you just didnt care, obviously he means something to you or you wouldn't have gone running back to him a second time. WTF babe, seriously WTF... how the hell can you loose respect for someone that respected, trusted and, lifted you up, as much as you know i tried to provide...
I can find comfort in those things, i know i treated her like a princess, i know i gave her my all, maybe even more than i was comfortable with giving, but i did it for her, thats what matters, I could handle being a little "uncomfortable" becuase i knew i wanted to be with her, YOU could not handle it, you were to weak, you didnt LOVE enought, you didnt think about it and trust me, you threw away any positive feelings you had for me the SECOND you went back for that second kiss, you fucked up THAT VERY SECOND, if it was one kiss, one night, one stupid time, then ok, BUT you kept creating a fake relationship,
AND now your actually going to think that this guy is worth being with, you think that hes actually a nice guy, go ahead and have him maybe its all you deserve, maybe its all you should get, cause i know im not sure what i can give today, im not sure how much love and respect i can put out, ive put up with your deception for a long time while we were together, and now, now its just WOW endless bad thought after bad thought that ends up with me questioning the meaning of love and companionship, ACTUALLY i know what that means, ive defined it a million times it goes something like this...
fill that in here later
but now babe, can we really aim for that, can you really make it up to me can you really put forth the effort this time?
***curtis mayfeild is amazin*** its 11am on 08-08-07
ash and i just alked i have to say its super nice to hear her voice its comforting in a very odd way right now, its just a different approch to the same thing, a woman i love (i love many people so think about it that way) then... with curtis
i realized i needed some good ol soulful funk to pick me up, i turn on pandora and i get curtis mayfield, "will god be able to forgive us for this llife we live" "talking about hard times back in the world" then he continues to "preach"
i LOVE listening to him, he talks about not wanting to live in this world talks about needing to feel like he can rise up against it and above it... will i e able to do that with ash, will she choose to do that with me? i need someone with the same mind set as me someone who dosent mind living in the world trying to change it but someone who hates being apart of this mess, this stupid ride that forces all people to strive to be indivisual, ill be the first to admit the way the world makes me think is in a paradox with the way id like to think really sometimes...
think of it this way ill give you an insight to my head... I as someone who is looking to be a very successful businessman so successful that i can get out of the business world as fast as possible so that i can "nurture" the less fortunate and teach them to deal for them selves... sooo... lets get this straight,
i hate all the corprate bullshit that needs to go on to get things done, but things do need to get done and it takes strong indvisuals to get them done, but i hate thinking that i want to be one of those indivisuals just for the chance to make a difference, this chance is very attractive but only because the future as a successfull indivisual helps me change others into the product of my mindset, helping me build people that will spread the love and want to develop other people... this endless cycle confusses me and also needs to be related and measured up to the standards i am creating for me and my woman...
i want her to know what my expectations for the world are that i have defined so that there is a set "ruler" for me to "judge" everyone by, weither they are my girl or not... if i could forgive two mothers, can i forgive my wife? if i can be hurt by the two woman that taked care of me my whole life, can i be hurt by the woman id like to take care of me for the rest of my life... lets figure that out...
its 5pm on 08-08-07
DAMN IT i just lost everything i was writing for the last 10 mins some good shit too..
basically i love the last paragraph i wrote, its the perfect example of the person i have to expect myself nad her to be.. it is the "ruler" of decision making it is the line of which im not even sure i can live up to now, but i know i want to be a NOBLE person, i want to love, i want to be FREE to love and i want to be STRONG in myself inorder to love, but can i even love at all,
cause i know how i feel now but when i get home the story will change, ill be weak in the fact that i know ill want to be held, i know that when i look into her eyes ill see a rainbow of emotions, the first thing i think ill see is a girlfriend honestly and then the next thing ill see is a person who ive lost trust with, then ill see love and ill be screwed... it will take alot of talking to clear out all the non sense, i know i WILL be strong and i will do what is right, but can i protect myself and her at the same time, can i preseve what needs to be preserved can i rise above the rest of the world...
its 9am on 08-09-07
Holy shit im so full of twisted emotions this morning, yesterday i was saved from them by a good friend, today ill see if i can snap myself out of it... Last night i was trying to learn more about the sistuation and it jsut seemed so odd, im in dallas so its super hard to think that we can talk about anything and feel like the issue has been "discussed" before i get back to seatttle.
Last night i also got so assurance for where i stand on the solution. i OLD friend of mine asked what the tattoo on the back of my leg mean (its my first tatto) it means forgivness i replied then i instantly thought "fuck" i know that i have to forgive her, and i already felt that id be able to but now i feel like ai have to forgive her, i have to stand up to the person i belive i am no matter what the situation is.
ANOTHER truth is I FUCKING STILL LOVE THIS WOMAN and it fucking hurts so bad i mean mother fucker, and other bad curse words, my "life" is getting "ripped" away from me, i think i know where i am at in the whole "situation thing" i just know that as soon as i see her, as soon as she sees me, LOVE will be so apparent, but also so twisted in our minds... anyone who has lost someone they love knows exactly what i feel right now, i jst dont know how much i can support her right now, i want to hold her, i want to comfort her EVEN afer all this shit, but as soon as i do touch her im not sure what will happen...
Before all this happend i opened up to her soo fucking much i shared some really "emotional" shit, she comforted me, told me that everythignwas ok and that she loved me, BUT SHE ALREADY HAD FUCKED UP and i gave her EVERY chance to tell me and she couldnt, god babe you reading this, ive told you all this, when i get back i HAVE to have a why, why, why answered.
TWO MORE DAYS, talk to me ash, prepare my heart and head for what is comming, be honest with me now, be honest with your self now, and TELLME ABOUT IT
its 10am on 08-09-07
Call me a bitch but, Last night i went to six flags, had a blast on alot of rides, flirted with a few girls, put my self out there to test if i "still had game" i joked with a few girls, a few girls took my picutre (tattoos after talking) and all i could think is NOPE they are not ashley, i know that "flirting" gives you NO insite as to what a chic is really like, you dont get to know who they raelly are on the inside, HELL after a year and a half i didnt even know who ashley really was,
all i know is that ive had alot of great girlfriends and the "standards" keep getting toughter, if i got to date again, i think no one will be good enought, sad...
its 4pm on 08-09-07
friends are awesome
holy crap ive only got an hr to work on ALOT of stuff with my team here in texas, so lets blog about my friends, and work on work at the hotel all night long..
JUST GOTTA SAY, my friends, the ones who ive called to bitch and complain to, to express my inner feelings to, to help me understand my love for ashley with, i thank you for all the good times you guys have given and you have promissed that are comming. I think that as this week is wrapping up i know and feel more positive about the descision i belive i am going to make when i get home. I love all of you guys and look forward to a turn in stride, and a continued friendships with new growth!
I know with out a doubt that i love ashley, i know that the love has been bruised but not loosed, it has only changed slightly, it hasent changed to the way you "love a EX" it hassent changed into a friendly love, its changed into a very strong less passionate love, a STRONG love that will get in the way of passionate thinking, butill have to figure that out, im not sure how much i will write in here now, more than likely it wil be done in the mornings, in the time when its the hardest to wake up without her, in the time when im getting ready to conquor the world (for her) in the time that i prepare for work to get the green to make people (and her) happy...
If you can read this, i love you all, i love your strong true words, your kind ears, and honest conversation! many thoughts to come, but i how that my thoughts i have right now about the soulution wont change to much.
its 2am on 08-10-07
some cruel words
wow, just got off the phone with ash, talked over an hr and a half, we said more hurtful things tonight than any other night, she made it very clear that it was a break up, and that i needed to figure out what that meant , but offered no comfort in what that meant for our comunication...
thats what im really fucking tiered from, my feeling of haveing to fill her conversational gaps, with theories of what she is thinking and keep stabbing away at all the possible "situations" that she could actually be feeling untill she says yes to one... WTF, speak the fuck up, make it hurt if it has to, and tell me (for the last fucking time) what your thinking,
holy shit people need to realize that you CAN talk about emotions without knowing what they mean, becuase when you talk about them (like i have this week with friends) you figure out what the fuck is really going on, FACE IT our emotions fuck with us ASH has shown me this way to much, except you cant have the idea that if you ignore them they will go away, get a fucking grip, man up, own your emotions and do what you have to do, if it is to talk all pissed off about something just to get your point accross then do it, ( youll learn self controll and how to controll that responce later) and if it to man up and deal with your shit, figure it out, then share it with some one then you better have some pretty good method of figureing yourself out which i really enjoy trying to do...
I know now that i will be 100% single when i get back to seattle and it fucking blows a huge dick. i left for dallas with nothing but my future in mind, i had that great girlfriend and i desire to conqure the world, ect ect ect.... i return to a house i have to pack to get ready to move into an apartment with only the thought that if its meant to work out it will,
I HATE thinking that way, i am a person who by nature demands resolutions almost imediatley, becuase i expcet myself to preform at such high standards, when it comes down to it i dont think i have time to jsut wait to see it it will owork out, i dont even have the choice this time, i just have to go out there with the love of ash in my heart and fucking do it, find out if that love is as deep as i think it is, and if its not, be excited that the love that will cover up the love i feel right now will be even more crazy more fun, and even more full and commited.
does this finish this chapter have i liberated myself from the situation, a break up is certainly a solution, should i keep tabs on what happens afterwards, i think i just may, i think that ill keep an interest in reading, and an interest for getting my thoughts on paper, they are jumbled as fuck, but its the raw data baby, its the heart and soul of my being, like it, love it, or leave barcus behind
So holy crap this week was already the MOST important week of my life, im in DALLAS TX having board meetings all day, shaping my future for me and my future wife.... and then the woman i wanted to eventually "wife-alize" let me down
Thus creates our "situation"...
The situation is quite easy really there is this job, a great job that i have to focus on, ill talk about the difficulties of this task since the situation has arrived, AND there is the situation with the woman, whom i still love, but have been hurt by...
its 5pm on 08-07-07 im expecting a call from ashley right now, im sitting in this board room, paying attention only to the key words that will tickle my ears for attention. im trying to use this blog as an outlet of emotion and feeling, ive always tried to hold myself up on my own all manliy like becuase i can usually hold my composure. I look good, i look like i got alot of sleep i DONT look like i was up till 2AM waiting for a chance figure out the "situation",
***interuption ashley calls***
this is a good thing, im really glad she called, im really glad we are talking and we are trying to talk about life in general and not just about the "situation", but i continue to talk to her about the steps we need to take inorder to find a soulution. i continue my diggin for information and then, pause think back to what she needs and wants right now and i ralize i have to draw back a bit, i need to continue to be her friend, i need to lover her, and make all the best attempts to respect her and give her a chance to gain back my trust and my desire to honor her....
***thats basically the call***
The situation is interesting, i dont want to talk about details, lets just talk about feelings and emotions and how the human brain listens to them (sorry chris for using that terminology) I sorround myself with people who think, i hope to continue to get paid for being a damn good thinker, it is thinking that prepared me for this "situation" it was the ability of my brain to analyze three situations with three seperate outcomes all at once that made me feel free,
Most people look at me when i am thinking and think to them selves (or tell me) that i look really depresed, truth is, its not a depressing feeling its a feeling of being confinded to my mind, which sounds cool to say "im confinded to my mind" and that makes me feel both trapped but also extremely rich
The ability to understand ones mind is an personal skill that i belive isnt ever complete... how then are we able to think that we will be able to understand the brain of another...it makes finding solutions to situations one hell of a bitch, we have this idea about the solution and we think we know the other persons reaction but really we have no idea untill the reaction comes...
take my situation, it was one in a few situations that i was letting my brain process even though i could never foget how it realted to life and work, i was able to take this one situation and disect it till i was comfortable with ever single out come
THE HARDEST OUT COME
this would def have to be the outcome that didn't envolve ashley in my life, it is an out come i still try to ignore, it is the only out come that makes me rethink ALL other solutions in life, it is a VERY powerfull outcome
this outcomes power comes from teh fact that im still in love with her after this situation came out, its odd and many people say its wrong or its fullish to listen to this feeling called love, but its a damn strong thing, there is something about the love that i dont want to belive that this "stupid" outcome is possible.
Im not certain what all this means, ha ha ha, i can tell you and will continue to tel you about how love impacts my life, how at the end of the day if someone where to ask me what makes my world trun i would say simply this:
The LOVE of JESUS and MY LOVE for ASHLEY
if she can not continue to supprt that love ill have to move on, there are no other choices, love is worth fighting for yes... but her love can not be bound to my desire to end a situation with a certain solution
HER LOVE
her love has to come deep from whiten, her love has to be true and prominint, hwer love has to show as much as a 15yr old kid cant hide his morning wood!i have to know that im the one, that the future matters, and that the past is just that, THE PAST,
can i truly hold my self upto the same standards i hold for her, can i foget the past, can i move on can i put all this bullshit behond me and jsut listen to the love we may still share... i dont know but ill keep posting those findings here, i wan to put it down on "paper" i want people to look, and analyize, i want people to invest time in there selves try to reach the same conclusions that i am trying to reach that is CAN I UNDERSTAND MYSELF ENOUGHT TO UNDERSTAND SOMEONE ELSE, and CAN THAT PERSON LEARN TO UNDERSTAND ME... we will see my friends we will see, much love and happy trails for all my frineds, dont worry about me, im fine, lets go out and enjoy the moment... my moment is going to be the hot tub in the hotel :-)
its 9am on 08-08-07
One more year till its a day of all eights my favorite number, my least favorite day so far, THIS morning i feel like shit, i feel abused, i feel used, i feel a slight sense of abandoment... i want to just shout of a word or two, man i need to focus so bad today! Last night ash and i talked, i wanted to talk like friends, i wanted to forget about all the shit that has happened, but i couldn't ive got three more days of this torture untill the real heat comes, can i handle it, will she be true about it...
SON OF A B, im not even sure what to say today, its not a very positve outlook kinda day, its quite a gloomy day, a day of recognition for what ACTUALLY happend i was wronged SO bad.Id like to belive that i can rise above this with her, id like to think the future is bright with her, but im not sure that i can think positive today
One positive thing is that i DO know il be ok, no matter what i choose ill be ok, i know that right now for the first day (a non board meeting day) i feel like soaking it all in, i feel more raw emotions flowing today than ive alowed to flow all week, yet im not able to write them down as easy, man it sucks so bad, will she even read all this, does she even car about all this, holy shit if she dosent, thats shallow, if she does then i know that she does care about it,
SHE was never a cheater, she never wronged anyone before me WHY THE HELL ME, why the hell did she have to freaking screw with a guy that has that "heart of gold" just why why why, how how how... as you kissed him what did it feel like did you enjoy it did it make you sick at first but then you just didnt care, obviously he means something to you or you wouldn't have gone running back to him a second time. WTF babe, seriously WTF... how the hell can you loose respect for someone that respected, trusted and, lifted you up, as much as you know i tried to provide...
I can find comfort in those things, i know i treated her like a princess, i know i gave her my all, maybe even more than i was comfortable with giving, but i did it for her, thats what matters, I could handle being a little "uncomfortable" becuase i knew i wanted to be with her, YOU could not handle it, you were to weak, you didnt LOVE enought, you didnt think about it and trust me, you threw away any positive feelings you had for me the SECOND you went back for that second kiss, you fucked up THAT VERY SECOND, if it was one kiss, one night, one stupid time, then ok, BUT you kept creating a fake relationship,
AND now your actually going to think that this guy is worth being with, you think that hes actually a nice guy, go ahead and have him maybe its all you deserve, maybe its all you should get, cause i know im not sure what i can give today, im not sure how much love and respect i can put out, ive put up with your deception for a long time while we were together, and now, now its just WOW endless bad thought after bad thought that ends up with me questioning the meaning of love and companionship, ACTUALLY i know what that means, ive defined it a million times it goes something like this...
fill that in here later
but now babe, can we really aim for that, can you really make it up to me can you really put forth the effort this time?
***curtis mayfeild is amazin*** its 11am on 08-08-07
ash and i just alked i have to say its super nice to hear her voice its comforting in a very odd way right now, its just a different approch to the same thing, a woman i love (i love many people so think about it that way) then... with curtis
i realized i needed some good ol soulful funk to pick me up, i turn on pandora and i get curtis mayfield, "will god be able to forgive us for this llife we live" "talking about hard times back in the world" then he continues to "preach"
i LOVE listening to him, he talks about not wanting to live in this world talks about needing to feel like he can rise up against it and above it... will i e able to do that with ash, will she choose to do that with me? i need someone with the same mind set as me someone who dosent mind living in the world trying to change it but someone who hates being apart of this mess, this stupid ride that forces all people to strive to be indivisual, ill be the first to admit the way the world makes me think is in a paradox with the way id like to think really sometimes...
think of it this way ill give you an insight to my head... I as someone who is looking to be a very successful businessman so successful that i can get out of the business world as fast as possible so that i can "nurture" the less fortunate and teach them to deal for them selves... sooo... lets get this straight,
i hate all the corprate bullshit that needs to go on to get things done, but things do need to get done and it takes strong indvisuals to get them done, but i hate thinking that i want to be one of those indivisuals just for the chance to make a difference, this chance is very attractive but only because the future as a successfull indivisual helps me change others into the product of my mindset, helping me build people that will spread the love and want to develop other people... this endless cycle confusses me and also needs to be related and measured up to the standards i am creating for me and my woman...
i want her to know what my expectations for the world are that i have defined so that there is a set "ruler" for me to "judge" everyone by, weither they are my girl or not... if i could forgive two mothers, can i forgive my wife? if i can be hurt by the two woman that taked care of me my whole life, can i be hurt by the woman id like to take care of me for the rest of my life... lets figure that out...
its 5pm on 08-08-07
DAMN IT i just lost everything i was writing for the last 10 mins some good shit too..
basically i love the last paragraph i wrote, its the perfect example of the person i have to expect myself nad her to be.. it is the "ruler" of decision making it is the line of which im not even sure i can live up to now, but i know i want to be a NOBLE person, i want to love, i want to be FREE to love and i want to be STRONG in myself inorder to love, but can i even love at all,
cause i know how i feel now but when i get home the story will change, ill be weak in the fact that i know ill want to be held, i know that when i look into her eyes ill see a rainbow of emotions, the first thing i think ill see is a girlfriend honestly and then the next thing ill see is a person who ive lost trust with, then ill see love and ill be screwed... it will take alot of talking to clear out all the non sense, i know i WILL be strong and i will do what is right, but can i protect myself and her at the same time, can i preseve what needs to be preserved can i rise above the rest of the world...
its 9am on 08-09-07
Holy shit im so full of twisted emotions this morning, yesterday i was saved from them by a good friend, today ill see if i can snap myself out of it... Last night i was trying to learn more about the sistuation and it jsut seemed so odd, im in dallas so its super hard to think that we can talk about anything and feel like the issue has been "discussed" before i get back to seatttle.
Last night i also got so assurance for where i stand on the solution. i OLD friend of mine asked what the tattoo on the back of my leg mean (its my first tatto) it means forgivness i replied then i instantly thought "fuck" i know that i have to forgive her, and i already felt that id be able to but now i feel like ai have to forgive her, i have to stand up to the person i belive i am no matter what the situation is.
ANOTHER truth is I FUCKING STILL LOVE THIS WOMAN and it fucking hurts so bad i mean mother fucker, and other bad curse words, my "life" is getting "ripped" away from me, i think i know where i am at in the whole "situation thing" i just know that as soon as i see her, as soon as she sees me, LOVE will be so apparent, but also so twisted in our minds... anyone who has lost someone they love knows exactly what i feel right now, i jst dont know how much i can support her right now, i want to hold her, i want to comfort her EVEN afer all this shit, but as soon as i do touch her im not sure what will happen...
Before all this happend i opened up to her soo fucking much i shared some really "emotional" shit, she comforted me, told me that everythignwas ok and that she loved me, BUT SHE ALREADY HAD FUCKED UP and i gave her EVERY chance to tell me and she couldnt, god babe you reading this, ive told you all this, when i get back i HAVE to have a why, why, why answered.
TWO MORE DAYS, talk to me ash, prepare my heart and head for what is comming, be honest with me now, be honest with your self now, and TELLME ABOUT IT
its 10am on 08-09-07
Call me a bitch but, Last night i went to six flags, had a blast on alot of rides, flirted with a few girls, put my self out there to test if i "still had game" i joked with a few girls, a few girls took my picutre (tattoos after talking) and all i could think is NOPE they are not ashley, i know that "flirting" gives you NO insite as to what a chic is really like, you dont get to know who they raelly are on the inside, HELL after a year and a half i didnt even know who ashley really was,
all i know is that ive had alot of great girlfriends and the "standards" keep getting toughter, if i got to date again, i think no one will be good enought, sad...
its 4pm on 08-09-07
friends are awesome
holy crap ive only got an hr to work on ALOT of stuff with my team here in texas, so lets blog about my friends, and work on work at the hotel all night long..
JUST GOTTA SAY, my friends, the ones who ive called to bitch and complain to, to express my inner feelings to, to help me understand my love for ashley with, i thank you for all the good times you guys have given and you have promissed that are comming. I think that as this week is wrapping up i know and feel more positive about the descision i belive i am going to make when i get home. I love all of you guys and look forward to a turn in stride, and a continued friendships with new growth!
I know with out a doubt that i love ashley, i know that the love has been bruised but not loosed, it has only changed slightly, it hasent changed to the way you "love a EX" it hassent changed into a friendly love, its changed into a very strong less passionate love, a STRONG love that will get in the way of passionate thinking, butill have to figure that out, im not sure how much i will write in here now, more than likely it wil be done in the mornings, in the time when its the hardest to wake up without her, in the time when im getting ready to conquor the world (for her) in the time that i prepare for work to get the green to make people (and her) happy...
If you can read this, i love you all, i love your strong true words, your kind ears, and honest conversation! many thoughts to come, but i how that my thoughts i have right now about the soulution wont change to much.
its 2am on 08-10-07
some cruel words
wow, just got off the phone with ash, talked over an hr and a half, we said more hurtful things tonight than any other night, she made it very clear that it was a break up, and that i needed to figure out what that meant , but offered no comfort in what that meant for our comunication...
thats what im really fucking tiered from, my feeling of haveing to fill her conversational gaps, with theories of what she is thinking and keep stabbing away at all the possible "situations" that she could actually be feeling untill she says yes to one... WTF, speak the fuck up, make it hurt if it has to, and tell me (for the last fucking time) what your thinking,
holy shit people need to realize that you CAN talk about emotions without knowing what they mean, becuase when you talk about them (like i have this week with friends) you figure out what the fuck is really going on, FACE IT our emotions fuck with us ASH has shown me this way to much, except you cant have the idea that if you ignore them they will go away, get a fucking grip, man up, own your emotions and do what you have to do, if it is to talk all pissed off about something just to get your point accross then do it, ( youll learn self controll and how to controll that responce later) and if it to man up and deal with your shit, figure it out, then share it with some one then you better have some pretty good method of figureing yourself out which i really enjoy trying to do...
I know now that i will be 100% single when i get back to seattle and it fucking blows a huge dick. i left for dallas with nothing but my future in mind, i had that great girlfriend and i desire to conqure the world, ect ect ect.... i return to a house i have to pack to get ready to move into an apartment with only the thought that if its meant to work out it will,
I HATE thinking that way, i am a person who by nature demands resolutions almost imediatley, becuase i expcet myself to preform at such high standards, when it comes down to it i dont think i have time to jsut wait to see it it will owork out, i dont even have the choice this time, i just have to go out there with the love of ash in my heart and fucking do it, find out if that love is as deep as i think it is, and if its not, be excited that the love that will cover up the love i feel right now will be even more crazy more fun, and even more full and commited.
does this finish this chapter have i liberated myself from the situation, a break up is certainly a solution, should i keep tabs on what happens afterwards, i think i just may, i think that ill keep an interest in reading, and an interest for getting my thoughts on paper, they are jumbled as fuck, but its the raw data baby, its the heart and soul of my being, like it, love it, or leave barcus behind
Short thoughts
#a human is often in between#
even with the huge burden of sin that dances around in the world, im not worried, not to much, i find comfort in sound, the sound of love that love that God has promissed to me, i hear it in my soul i feel it beat in my heart, but my head hears these voices and feels these beats and still decives me. This human thing is the most complex thing i know. Working with machines is easy, thats why i work with computers its on or off, but a human is often in between
even with the huge burden of sin that dances around in the world, im not worried, not to much, i find comfort in sound, the sound of love that love that God has promissed to me, i hear it in my soul i feel it beat in my heart, but my head hears these voices and feels these beats and still decives me. This human thing is the most complex thing i know. Working with machines is easy, thats why i work with computers its on or off, but a human is often in between
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