So ive came here to dump my thoughts, i still feel more comfortable here in my blogger ATM, raw thoughts will always be more welcome here, at least it seems, THIS was the blog of half thoughts, a place for thoughts to brew, with no constructive shape or form, a place where sentance structure never mattered.
In my live journal i want to be more put together for the presentation purposes i belive, haha i jsut wrote i think but who am i kidding, im a whore for presentation, for being proper for being able to been seen in a certain light. We are all judged and in the new community enviroment of the Livejournal, at this moment i feel like the new kid in school and im nto quite ready to memory dump. i want a few solid thoughts on the table and this morning i can not come up with them.
Its exremely frustrating to me when i know i want to write about something yet i am choked by my own thoughts, extremely! i can be come music ADD, looking for a saltine cracker to pull out the moisture of my salty mind, yet the cracker has failed me. This morning the salt does not flow as it should, it is raining out side yet nothing is pouring out of this mind but the comfort of my metophores
I have also noticed a heightened sense of wanting to use spell check, WTF is this?! ME care about my grammar, yes its true things certainly are changing, as i review my blogs i am both extremely excited to see the flow of random thought without a care in the world, but as i am changed from the inside i become more aware of the outside, of what i would like to express to the outside and because of what i want to become i have to start sanding these forms instead of leaving them freshly cut from wood.
Maybe I just need to dump a few thoughts over in the Live journal from my collection of blogs over here to establish what I think would be a formidable foundation. I told that community I would, will I? Or will I leave it to be a blank slate for new thoughts? I have until the New Year, the new years posts will most definitely be posted there. Will I be ready for this new form of expression, I have never doubted my abilities before, let’s see if this young chap can focus and continue his passion in a slightly altered form.
I love all of you who have watched my blogs here, but I crave the community of LiveJournal please join me it truly is my passion that we will be able to share more thoughts together in LJ open environment.
http://ebarcus.livejournal.com
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
metaphors are easier for me, current mood
Do you remember the first time you went star gazing and someone pointed out a satellite in the sky and said look! They taught you if you were really still you could see them and that they had no blinking lights, those were airplanes. The next time you were out in the dark night full of stars you were searching for satellites with a few new friends. You informed them how to identify the imposters and you started your search. "There's one!" You would say, you’re proud to be the first to point it out. However someone quickly asks the congregation if they also see the blinking light that is on your satellite. They all agree in this friend’s discovery, a stillness overwhelms the group again and you feel slightly disappointed.
I'm tiered of airplanes, I want my satellite...
I'm tiered of airplanes, I want my satellite...
Exhausting nights, lady lights
It is on nights like this that I desire to come home to a woman most. The slightest connection with her form is an instant spark on my circuits and sends a refreshing charge to the batteries that are in deep sleep within my feet. I am tiered from my late nights and long work week. I have pushed thru 7 days of working 10hr days and have one last day to go. My day today has been filled with music that I wish to share with her. My mind has wondered here and there and wish to express its inner most core with her.
Ohh devendra banhart how I wish to lay down with a woman and listen to your beautiful songs. The comfort from these hippish songs allow me to stroke my beard and find comfort in self identity. The beard is not what defines me but yet it is I who groom my beard and the rest of myself into this object in which I will “flaunt” in order to find a “mate.” Flaunt and mate are in quotation marks simply for the fact that I do not have the energy to search for better words to relate to you the more deeper feelings that are related to these “feelings?”
Shit this blog is now lame, im done :) wifey i dont care if it takes me 10 yrs to finally be with you im glad we have taken the time to find each other and not settle no matter how attractive it may be at times
Ohh devendra banhart how I wish to lay down with a woman and listen to your beautiful songs. The comfort from these hippish songs allow me to stroke my beard and find comfort in self identity. The beard is not what defines me but yet it is I who groom my beard and the rest of myself into this object in which I will “flaunt” in order to find a “mate.” Flaunt and mate are in quotation marks simply for the fact that I do not have the energy to search for better words to relate to you the more deeper feelings that are related to these “feelings?”
Shit this blog is now lame, im done :) wifey i dont care if it takes me 10 yrs to finally be with you im glad we have taken the time to find each other and not settle no matter how attractive it may be at times
Monday, December 1, 2008
beautiful colors in the T-shirt of life
"However, the further I travel into my heart's inner workings, the more I find that the unexplored territory is beautiful, it's not flawed like I had once believed. Gaining familiarity with the little bit of myself that I have discovered has opened me up to a whole different thought process." - a woman i will always love
the act of searching for ones self is a beautiful thing, wait its actually usually quite dark and dirty. at least thats what we feel as we are taking that journey at least in the beginning thats how we feel.
its sorta like a tie dye T-shirt, you've got this bunched up white odd shaped "slate" in front of you. you start experiencing life and dipping it in some colors, there are phases of this process that are very bright and that you feel accomplished for. Then as you slow down and start analyzing what you've been doing it all starts to look like a mess because you've just got all these colors everywhere. Blues on top of oranges on top of reds, yellows and greens making a mess of things.
so you stop
you start to wonder how you got to this, wither or not you have taken all the right steps in creating yourself, wither or not your going to like the outcome of the product your trying to sell the world. a rubber band will coem off and you will see a wrinkle or two expand, the innocence of the blank slate shines thru a bit and you remember that once you were nothing but now you are something, what it is you are still not to certain.
you are now on a journey of undoing the rest of these bands that have separated points of definition in your life. with each one the final product begins to be more and more reviled, memories of what brought you to this point seem to unfold with great momentum, and you are completely overwhelmed and astonished at what you have created.
still unsure of your creation sill greatly overwhelmed with emotion you analyze your life, your T-shirt you find happiness and the pursuit of it, you find spots where the colors just didn't fit good together, you see lines that connect the experiences making the process seem somewhat constructed with meaning. Similarities within the ways all the colors connect bring a since of self recognition that at least you have found definition in the way you generally work and you sit in confusion once again as you try to further dilute your mind in thought.
My friends, the ones i love, and the ones i have yet to converse with, i tell you at this moment we are all in unison with each other, we are all on a journey of self exploration and your colors are beautiful, even the dark ones that seep in the cracks.
I love you all and i hope you are enjoying the journey as much as i am no matter how difficult it may seem now :) <3
the act of searching for ones self is a beautiful thing, wait its actually usually quite dark and dirty. at least thats what we feel as we are taking that journey at least in the beginning thats how we feel.
its sorta like a tie dye T-shirt, you've got this bunched up white odd shaped "slate" in front of you. you start experiencing life and dipping it in some colors, there are phases of this process that are very bright and that you feel accomplished for. Then as you slow down and start analyzing what you've been doing it all starts to look like a mess because you've just got all these colors everywhere. Blues on top of oranges on top of reds, yellows and greens making a mess of things.
so you stop
you start to wonder how you got to this, wither or not you have taken all the right steps in creating yourself, wither or not your going to like the outcome of the product your trying to sell the world. a rubber band will coem off and you will see a wrinkle or two expand, the innocence of the blank slate shines thru a bit and you remember that once you were nothing but now you are something, what it is you are still not to certain.
you are now on a journey of undoing the rest of these bands that have separated points of definition in your life. with each one the final product begins to be more and more reviled, memories of what brought you to this point seem to unfold with great momentum, and you are completely overwhelmed and astonished at what you have created.
still unsure of your creation sill greatly overwhelmed with emotion you analyze your life, your T-shirt you find happiness and the pursuit of it, you find spots where the colors just didn't fit good together, you see lines that connect the experiences making the process seem somewhat constructed with meaning. Similarities within the ways all the colors connect bring a since of self recognition that at least you have found definition in the way you generally work and you sit in confusion once again as you try to further dilute your mind in thought.
My friends, the ones i love, and the ones i have yet to converse with, i tell you at this moment we are all in unison with each other, we are all on a journey of self exploration and your colors are beautiful, even the dark ones that seep in the cracks.
I love you all and i hope you are enjoying the journey as much as i am no matter how difficult it may seem now :) <3
Saturday, November 22, 2008
my apologies
Id Like to apologize for not writing you sooner. Much has happened much was not said, there are many blogs saved as drafts (from this past month) and today I will go back and publish them. I rarely keep my thoughts guarded, but when they involve others or implement a negative motive I tend to recluse in them, keep them for my private personal record and then release them when they are but history.
Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.
It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.
Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.
Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)
Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.
It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.
Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.
Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)
Friday, November 7, 2008
someone
**edited after nasondra "incedent"**
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
Sunday, November 2, 2008
4 drafts, waitting to be published
What importance does taht have?
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
Saturday, November 1, 2008
have you ever stared at your own face
(skip below for edited version)
today i am startin at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more id a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what ketst ar nect to which all i know si qwerty hahaha and maube asd?lol
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i se constant weight i see dedinition a beard that is almost reat i see strennght
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversyly it eddects people i wonder i wonder
iwonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appitite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the e=keys un thus art of the blof so i jsut closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenfe
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i knkow i will end u writting alooot
welll i htiknkk i will
im really nt sure
there is still MANY thinkgs yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loicng ioenness commng son
today i am starting at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more, i [have] a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what keys are next to which all i know is qwerty hahaha and maybe asd?lol (which i actually thought i was typing ads haha so noo i dont know those)
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i see constant weight i see definition a beard that is almost great i see strength
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversely it effects people i wonder i wonder
i wonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appetite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the keys on this part of the blog so i just closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenge
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i know i will end u writting alooot
welll i think i will
im really not sure
there is still MANY things yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loving blogness commng soon
today i am startin at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more id a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what ketst ar nect to which all i know si qwerty hahaha and maube asd?lol
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i se constant weight i see dedinition a beard that is almost reat i see strennght
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversyly it eddects people i wonder i wonder
iwonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appitite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the e=keys un thus art of the blof so i jsut closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenfe
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i knkow i will end u writting alooot
welll i htiknkk i will
im really nt sure
there is still MANY thinkgs yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loicng ioenness commng son
today i am starting at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more, i [have] a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what keys are next to which all i know is qwerty hahaha and maybe asd?lol (which i actually thought i was typing ads haha so noo i dont know those)
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i see constant weight i see definition a beard that is almost great i see strength
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversely it effects people i wonder i wonder
i wonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appetite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the keys on this part of the blog so i just closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenge
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i know i will end u writting alooot
welll i think i will
im really not sure
there is still MANY things yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loving blogness commng soon
Thursday, October 30, 2008
sometimes
i feel as if i allow my brain to eat itself
i consume myself in thought
the cold spreads to my spirit and i become dull
this is a rarity
this is a moment
not a season
but an event
short and bitter sweet it usually is
why
loneliness
bitterness
confusion
depression
everyone has experienced it to some level
i dont allow it
i am thankful that these moments are just funks
but non the less it is like tar that is chocking my spirit
appreciation
respect
two things that i hold very near and dear to my trust
"ive got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots"
"but my tongue is tied off"
written words are hard to mute
hard to erase
memories can not be erased
shall they?
naw
forgiveness
the final word
or the first word
ramble ramble ramble
i consume myself in thought
the cold spreads to my spirit and i become dull
this is a rarity
this is a moment
not a season
but an event
short and bitter sweet it usually is
why
loneliness
bitterness
confusion
depression
everyone has experienced it to some level
i dont allow it
i am thankful that these moments are just funks
but non the less it is like tar that is chocking my spirit
appreciation
respect
two things that i hold very near and dear to my trust
"ive got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots"
"but my tongue is tied off"
written words are hard to mute
hard to erase
memories can not be erased
shall they?
naw
forgiveness
the final word
or the first word
ramble ramble ramble
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
the past is a grotesque animal
ive wrote about this before but right now my head is spinning and it all follows suit with my previous "thoughts" that today (or as i had seen it) 2 days before nasondra is supposed to get here... would be the tuffest day so far
i dont even know what to say without assuming
if you know my youtube channel (youtube.com/noassumptions) and if you have read my other blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com you will know how dangerous i think assumptions are so i will make none rather i will blog feelings for record, for therapy, for future reflection...
google the title to this blog and listen to the song by of Montreal, its beautiful, powerful, full of emotion, and i knew at the beginning of this year it would be the theme of this year, i connect with it in so many ways
i guess you can say that everyone looks at there past and that it affects them in some way or another in which ways it affects you i cant say but for me i see it as a reference an Eric Barcus encyclopedia if you will.. in the making
i wrote in my other active blog (link above, another post to come this week sorry for delays) i wrote about how our expectations have to based on a history of truths, i think that is true for almost every situation except for those in which we are new to
so what im trying to say is that i like to use my past to set my expectations for the future in the situations in which i have been in before but if there are any new variables these expectations become altered and the truths of the matter become more cloudy
i wonder what it would look like if i created a blog where i le tmy mind spu for an entire night an hr or more of jsut writting at any one time, i dont think any of you would read it thats alot of reading but id document time and ect ect
ugh head clearing is good, im still in a haze and will be on and off tonight but i like jsut writting xoxo my loves
i dont even know what to say without assuming
if you know my youtube channel (youtube.com/noassumptions) and if you have read my other blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com you will know how dangerous i think assumptions are so i will make none rather i will blog feelings for record, for therapy, for future reflection...
google the title to this blog and listen to the song by of Montreal, its beautiful, powerful, full of emotion, and i knew at the beginning of this year it would be the theme of this year, i connect with it in so many ways
i guess you can say that everyone looks at there past and that it affects them in some way or another in which ways it affects you i cant say but for me i see it as a reference an Eric Barcus encyclopedia if you will.. in the making
i wrote in my other active blog (link above, another post to come this week sorry for delays) i wrote about how our expectations have to based on a history of truths, i think that is true for almost every situation except for those in which we are new to
so what im trying to say is that i like to use my past to set my expectations for the future in the situations in which i have been in before but if there are any new variables these expectations become altered and the truths of the matter become more cloudy
i wonder what it would look like if i created a blog where i le tmy mind spu for an entire night an hr or more of jsut writting at any one time, i dont think any of you would read it thats alot of reading but id document time and ect ect
ugh head clearing is good, im still in a haze and will be on and off tonight but i like jsut writting xoxo my loves
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
the forces that be
i have always had a hightened since of siritual awareness.
becuase of what ive been thru when i was a wiccan
and now that i am a christian again
i feel these spiritual tugs even more so
and
anytime that something amazing is about to happen the opposition tugs harder desireing to devour my every last emotion of happiness, in hopes to destory me
ive seen this many times before, its the reason these blogs started... i doubt many of you have read the entire posting about changing a situation into a solution but thats why i started writting to get these feeling on paper, i gues its been a little over a year that i have felt this much intinsity in these spiritual tugs but my god it sucks, my god i long to be pulled out on top of this mess as i have many times before
trapped in tar i struggle to breath
my sweetlime, my love, my god, if i am to be stripped of everything else it is my deisre to still be surrounded by these three.
a harmony of love these three, this triad is my strenght, my comfort, my life.. nothing will ever seperate me from desireing your influance and guidance in my life
thats enough medicene for now.. but watch this blog here...
http://insidebarcus.blogspot.com/
for more updates on my "short story" of my spiritual walk thus far in my life
love will remain the strongest force of them all xoxo
becuase of what ive been thru when i was a wiccan
and now that i am a christian again
i feel these spiritual tugs even more so
and
anytime that something amazing is about to happen the opposition tugs harder desireing to devour my every last emotion of happiness, in hopes to destory me
ive seen this many times before, its the reason these blogs started... i doubt many of you have read the entire posting about changing a situation into a solution but thats why i started writting to get these feeling on paper, i gues its been a little over a year that i have felt this much intinsity in these spiritual tugs but my god it sucks, my god i long to be pulled out on top of this mess as i have many times before
trapped in tar i struggle to breath
my sweetlime, my love, my god, if i am to be stripped of everything else it is my deisre to still be surrounded by these three.
a harmony of love these three, this triad is my strenght, my comfort, my life.. nothing will ever seperate me from desireing your influance and guidance in my life
thats enough medicene for now.. but watch this blog here...
http://insidebarcus.blogspot.com/
for more updates on my "short story" of my spiritual walk thus far in my life
love will remain the strongest force of them all xoxo
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
a busy busy head
i can not stop thinking, or blogging, i have a secret blog i write letters in for my future wife, and after much debate about the economy at work, and after consuming myself in thought i still have much more to say and since im stuck at work with no work to distract me i must write...
im not even sure what will comfort me at this moment, i do know that if nasondra calls this writting will be greatly delayed for she speaks comfort to me.
But since she is busy at work as well i must use this outlet for my busy mind.
UGH is the word of the month it is an grunt that happens when the brain stops bettween to thoughts, it is a moment of peace where i am reminded of the beauty of simplicity.
UGH is soo simple sooo understood...
Work has just interrupted my writing for the last 10 mins, and is still picking at my brain, and it still amazes me when i multi task... as i was working collecting data for the tasks to be preformed i was singing death cab (every Seattle kids magical lullaby) as well as thinking about which thoughts would "make it to the press" next.
my last post went over those problems, i have a million ideas racing threw my mind ( ok ok not a million) (BIG LONG PAUSE TO WORK OUT CRAP CRAP CPRA AT WORK)
but only some of them can make it to paper (yay! finally a finished thought)
MAN that was a lot of crap at work and a great friend called and wanted to talk tonight aswell and now im kinda lost in thought again of not knowing what to write
UGH
there are a million thoughts still racing maybe ill write more tonight i will be live on my web cam at stickam.com/thethinkingromantic later to talk to anyone so coe by there but yeah
ugh
till good weather thou with sweet lime around
im not even sure what will comfort me at this moment, i do know that if nasondra calls this writting will be greatly delayed for she speaks comfort to me.
But since she is busy at work as well i must use this outlet for my busy mind.
UGH is the word of the month it is an grunt that happens when the brain stops bettween to thoughts, it is a moment of peace where i am reminded of the beauty of simplicity.
UGH is soo simple sooo understood...
Work has just interrupted my writing for the last 10 mins, and is still picking at my brain, and it still amazes me when i multi task... as i was working collecting data for the tasks to be preformed i was singing death cab (every Seattle kids magical lullaby) as well as thinking about which thoughts would "make it to the press" next.
my last post went over those problems, i have a million ideas racing threw my mind ( ok ok not a million) (BIG LONG PAUSE TO WORK OUT CRAP CRAP CPRA AT WORK)
but only some of them can make it to paper (yay! finally a finished thought)
MAN that was a lot of crap at work and a great friend called and wanted to talk tonight aswell and now im kinda lost in thought again of not knowing what to write
UGH
there are a million thoughts still racing maybe ill write more tonight i will be live on my web cam at stickam.com/thethinkingromantic later to talk to anyone so coe by there but yeah
ugh
till good weather thou with sweet lime around
Monday, October 6, 2008
a dirty little explotion ewww or no eww?
ive come to realize more and more that nothing and i mean nothing (accept maybe seeing someone come to know Christ) gets me more excited or fills me with more joy then seeing someones mind exploding in thought
while getting to know many of you online my FAVORITE TIMES are when we are talking and your mind starts to just spue. even as i write this one sentace er ei will not corrent and of my typing erros i will jsut let my fingers try to keep up with my thought and see whetre it goes and you will see that it is an explotion of thought that i lcve to much and as i hit the backspace to try to correct my erros i keep typing to try ot get a pioiojt acrossmaybe the real point is that i dont have good tping skills that i have no need to use dialect that the modern man would use no puncutation no organized though jsut rambe this is what it looks like when i try ot let my exteriour keep up with whats in my head and i love this dirty explotion it excited me more than the organized htoughts that i write in other blogs, please use the comments below to try the same and explode in thought with me :) <3
while getting to know many of you online my FAVORITE TIMES are when we are talking and your mind starts to just spue. even as i write this one sentace er ei will not corrent and of my typing erros i will jsut let my fingers try to keep up with my thought and see whetre it goes and you will see that it is an explotion of thought that i lcve to much and as i hit the backspace to try to correct my erros i keep typing to try ot get a pioiojt acrossmaybe the real point is that i dont have good tping skills that i have no need to use dialect that the modern man would use no puncutation no organized though jsut rambe this is what it looks like when i try ot let my exteriour keep up with whats in my head and i love this dirty explotion it excited me more than the organized htoughts that i write in other blogs, please use the comments below to try the same and explode in thought with me :) <3
Friday, October 3, 2008
our passions run thick in one blood
Ohh how much joy overcomes me when i think of the name Nasondra, my sweet lime, my cow eyes.
I am no longer single, no longer waiting on that magical woman to find me and captivate me, she has found me and has my full attention, i couldnt ask for anything more.
She actually found my blogs, read a few, found me interesting enough to contact and then its been non stop since then. We are jsut happy thats all that i can say, we are overwhelmed with happiness and joy for the unknown. But the stronger more solid feelings we share are those of "just knowing."
There are no true words that either of us can come up with to explain this but when we try to explain it we are lost saying "ughh" "ahhh" and "it just feels so right"
when i think about this wondreful woman, this comfort to my spirit, this companion i hope to please for the rest of my life i get stuck in thought, i become quiet, which for me is soo hard. As my mind races with a million thoughts, they end up racing all over her, her voice, her thoughts, her sex appeal, the experiances shared and those to come. then
STOP
i see us married, in a home and heart that we share not as two seperate parts in one intity but as one breathing life giving organism, our passions run thick in one blood.
there is distance now between us, an uncomfortable shoe one size to small, confiding us to our labors of every day motion. ohh how i long for our first interactions, and how i will long for those moments to be never ending. someday we are both certain that God will figure out how, where, when we are both supposed to finally be together in the same home, untill then my fantisy runs wild and is ultimatly calmed by the overwhelming feeling of "just knowing"
xoxo that one man that thinks alot
I am no longer single, no longer waiting on that magical woman to find me and captivate me, she has found me and has my full attention, i couldnt ask for anything more.
She actually found my blogs, read a few, found me interesting enough to contact and then its been non stop since then. We are jsut happy thats all that i can say, we are overwhelmed with happiness and joy for the unknown. But the stronger more solid feelings we share are those of "just knowing."
There are no true words that either of us can come up with to explain this but when we try to explain it we are lost saying "ughh" "ahhh" and "it just feels so right"
when i think about this wondreful woman, this comfort to my spirit, this companion i hope to please for the rest of my life i get stuck in thought, i become quiet, which for me is soo hard. As my mind races with a million thoughts, they end up racing all over her, her voice, her thoughts, her sex appeal, the experiances shared and those to come. then
STOP
i see us married, in a home and heart that we share not as two seperate parts in one intity but as one breathing life giving organism, our passions run thick in one blood.
there is distance now between us, an uncomfortable shoe one size to small, confiding us to our labors of every day motion. ohh how i long for our first interactions, and how i will long for those moments to be never ending. someday we are both certain that God will figure out how, where, when we are both supposed to finally be together in the same home, untill then my fantisy runs wild and is ultimatly calmed by the overwhelming feeling of "just knowing"
xoxo that one man that thinks alot
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
i didnt even want these fucking rats
I remember thinking that after the breakup, during the move.
I remember being sooo weirded out by the tails thinking you were weird for wanting them, but i loved that weird side of you, a rarely seen thing.
i grew to love them quick i loved my little barb wed take showers and id have her out frequently, thumby was quite difficult in the beginning at times i remember i would taught you about it for some reason
so thumby has been getting sick, she hasnt been moving much, and it looked as if barb was taking care of her most of this time, bathing her, not being as stingy with food, and ALOT of cuddling/nest making
this morning i woke up and its so bad, thumby is rolling around and can barely sit on her back feet, barly lift her head into her food bowl, id "take care of her/put her out" if i thought she was in any real pain, or if it would make it easier for her, but her eyes are stil full of life ya know,
its sooo weird how you can get to know something so well, a dog, cat or even a rat that you can tell its emotions. and i write you about it in a long text and all you can say back is "That is sad. Poor girl. I dont know what i would do" its just very frustrating, specialy with her dying im thinking about you more and all i can think is the same thing "that is sad. poor girl. i dont know what [to] do" ugh ugh ugh
I remember being sooo weirded out by the tails thinking you were weird for wanting them, but i loved that weird side of you, a rarely seen thing.
i grew to love them quick i loved my little barb wed take showers and id have her out frequently, thumby was quite difficult in the beginning at times i remember i would taught you about it for some reason
so thumby has been getting sick, she hasnt been moving much, and it looked as if barb was taking care of her most of this time, bathing her, not being as stingy with food, and ALOT of cuddling/nest making
this morning i woke up and its so bad, thumby is rolling around and can barely sit on her back feet, barly lift her head into her food bowl, id "take care of her/put her out" if i thought she was in any real pain, or if it would make it easier for her, but her eyes are stil full of life ya know,
its sooo weird how you can get to know something so well, a dog, cat or even a rat that you can tell its emotions. and i write you about it in a long text and all you can say back is "That is sad. Poor girl. I dont know what i would do" its just very frustrating, specialy with her dying im thinking about you more and all i can think is the same thing "that is sad. poor girl. i dont know what [to] do" ugh ugh ugh
Sunday, September 14, 2008
God is good
Oh the sweet love that i am receiving from my lord. i dwell in its beauty as i am romanced by my one true suitor. again i, the wondering lamb, am being brought back into your loving arms. i am done holding your coat tail and will once again take refuge in your loving embrace.
This sin, these demons, work ever so hard upon this withered body. their fangs and claws, the sharp piercing silent pain now has a voice and is condemning you and entrapping my flesh.
Praise be to you and your name that i can call on you for salvation. Praise be to you for bringing me guides upon which i can breath with, giving me weapons to use for finding peace in my spirit.
NOTE:I long for the day in which i will know if the human spirit can ever truly be separate from the world and be united in Gods spirit, in my youth which i am living now i see no true way to completely disconnected the spirit from the world, even with the brain taking care of these duties, because as the brain has many functions "feelings" are not, "emotions" are not, the brain reacts and produces byproducts from the stimulations of the spirit and soul, but i do not believe it can adapt to be an organ of feeling, past a headache from thinking to much, again, byproduct or no?
well, i thought i may have more to write on this subject more to speak of, more to express to you, "for the record" i have slid once again, fell hard into the daemons grasp, blinded at times to the point of not caring to ask for gods helping hand, knowing that i could and denying my souls ambitions, but once again the Shepard is after his lamb and i must stand tall must free my spirit to search for my soul, must use these angels to fight my daemons, must come out victorious, there really is no telling how bad it could get... (dont worry it is only hurting myself ;)
This sin, these demons, work ever so hard upon this withered body. their fangs and claws, the sharp piercing silent pain now has a voice and is condemning you and entrapping my flesh.
Praise be to you and your name that i can call on you for salvation. Praise be to you for bringing me guides upon which i can breath with, giving me weapons to use for finding peace in my spirit.
NOTE:I long for the day in which i will know if the human spirit can ever truly be separate from the world and be united in Gods spirit, in my youth which i am living now i see no true way to completely disconnected the spirit from the world, even with the brain taking care of these duties, because as the brain has many functions "feelings" are not, "emotions" are not, the brain reacts and produces byproducts from the stimulations of the spirit and soul, but i do not believe it can adapt to be an organ of feeling, past a headache from thinking to much, again, byproduct or no?
well, i thought i may have more to write on this subject more to speak of, more to express to you, "for the record" i have slid once again, fell hard into the daemons grasp, blinded at times to the point of not caring to ask for gods helping hand, knowing that i could and denying my souls ambitions, but once again the Shepard is after his lamb and i must stand tall must free my spirit to search for my soul, must use these angels to fight my daemons, must come out victorious, there really is no telling how bad it could get... (dont worry it is only hurting myself ;)
Monday, September 8, 2008
this last few weeks...
ive been piss drunk in emotion, from getting to meet one of my dearest friends in phoenix, all the fun that could ever be experienced there with her and my other new firends i made on that trip.
The deep conversations ive had with many of my newer male firends, is something ill be forever thankful for.
And ive started to read, which sounds funny, and it is, cause ive never "enjoyed" reading at least ive always had to have a purose to read, ive never done it for enjoyment, or in self seeking enlightenment, reasons being that most things that have been writin are about things that HAVE happened, as i write now i am writing about what has happend, reflecting on the past. But ive found a new respect for learning from that shared history, and for that i am ever thankful.
A crush of mine got me readding too, soo off course thats lame haha cause now i have an asosiation with a crush and a new found joy, its like sharing good bands with a girlfriend, youll always be sharing them, even after the band puts out the new cd youll still think of her.
this encounter with books is helping me with some sin ive had in my life for a very long time thou, and for that i am forever thankful. its a long battle, that i am currently slipping towards but must turn to god for salvation from.
moving, was hectic, my little brother bitched out on the cleaning and let my father do his talking for him, thanks dad, thanks for speaking for the "boy" i hope someday he will man up and talk for himself if hes got a date he wants to go to instead of stay home and clean he can TALK to me about it with control using his own words. Hes always hated people steepping in and talking for him so he gets pissed off to express himself and hes never gunna be able to TALK to anyone about shit if we keep being his voice
moving also sucked cause this was the year that ash and i were suposed to move back intogether and i saw a pic of us, the cutest one we have, where we are overlooking the colombia river out by the gorge, the picture was taken right after a little "argument" but we both look really happy in it, and it hit me pretty hard. Many people dont understand how i will always love rebecca and ash. i will always be here for them always its jsut how i am and it sucks that ash cant jsut be ash around me anymore...
Friends are getting engaded EVERYWHERE some of my best guy friends are getting engaged which is super exciting the woman that they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with are amazing and care about them more than anything else.
Chelsea and brads wedding was beautiful, the date was amazing, the emotion that flowded from that event made me grab my balls to make sure i stil had them haha i always feel like a love sick girl when it comes to weddings, they are beautiful and show hope for promises that we never intend to break. Despite the ugly fail rate of marriages in our age every wedding i see, i see passion, devotion, love, everything in its right place (change radio head song)
ohh what am i leaving out....
living on my own, knowing that i can afford this shit is nice, but i miss the boys, cant wait till they move in, i finally got that red couch ive dreamed of, slowly but surely these peices will fit in a romantic harmony that is kicking my ass as i write this, forever romance will be my vice...
The deep conversations ive had with many of my newer male firends, is something ill be forever thankful for.
And ive started to read, which sounds funny, and it is, cause ive never "enjoyed" reading at least ive always had to have a purose to read, ive never done it for enjoyment, or in self seeking enlightenment, reasons being that most things that have been writin are about things that HAVE happened, as i write now i am writing about what has happend, reflecting on the past. But ive found a new respect for learning from that shared history, and for that i am ever thankful.
A crush of mine got me readding too, soo off course thats lame haha cause now i have an asosiation with a crush and a new found joy, its like sharing good bands with a girlfriend, youll always be sharing them, even after the band puts out the new cd youll still think of her.
this encounter with books is helping me with some sin ive had in my life for a very long time thou, and for that i am forever thankful. its a long battle, that i am currently slipping towards but must turn to god for salvation from.
moving, was hectic, my little brother bitched out on the cleaning and let my father do his talking for him, thanks dad, thanks for speaking for the "boy" i hope someday he will man up and talk for himself if hes got a date he wants to go to instead of stay home and clean he can TALK to me about it with control using his own words. Hes always hated people steepping in and talking for him so he gets pissed off to express himself and hes never gunna be able to TALK to anyone about shit if we keep being his voice
moving also sucked cause this was the year that ash and i were suposed to move back intogether and i saw a pic of us, the cutest one we have, where we are overlooking the colombia river out by the gorge, the picture was taken right after a little "argument" but we both look really happy in it, and it hit me pretty hard. Many people dont understand how i will always love rebecca and ash. i will always be here for them always its jsut how i am and it sucks that ash cant jsut be ash around me anymore...
Friends are getting engaded EVERYWHERE some of my best guy friends are getting engaged which is super exciting the woman that they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with are amazing and care about them more than anything else.
Chelsea and brads wedding was beautiful, the date was amazing, the emotion that flowded from that event made me grab my balls to make sure i stil had them haha i always feel like a love sick girl when it comes to weddings, they are beautiful and show hope for promises that we never intend to break. Despite the ugly fail rate of marriages in our age every wedding i see, i see passion, devotion, love, everything in its right place (change radio head song)
ohh what am i leaving out....
living on my own, knowing that i can afford this shit is nice, but i miss the boys, cant wait till they move in, i finally got that red couch ive dreamed of, slowly but surely these peices will fit in a romantic harmony that is kicking my ass as i write this, forever romance will be my vice...
Monday, August 25, 2008
industril revolution, let it be, life as it plays out is life that i will live
There has been something inside of me calling me to live life as it plays out in my heart for a very long time. it has made me a simple person at heart. seeking out advancement only if needed, not out of desire or greed but out of survival. The greed of the world, the consumerism, the unproportionate meals disgust me.
everything that i enjoy that allows me to travel, to share these experiences to pour out my soul id trade to live as a nomad in the early "indian years" of the states. wie open plans, traveling, roaming, to collect not just food but knowledge, everything becomes more pricey, more respected, sought after with more passion... longed for like a warm shower after a long day of work, to live day by day in constant need, trusting in the lord, not waiting to be provided too but striving to provide for one self and loved ones is just... attractive to me
ugh, ugh ugh i started writing with a furry of emotion searching to desperately cry out my emotions in hopes to relate to someone that may read this, with no one in mind i continued to write, again stopping in frustration confused, wonder, what next, where next, who next...
peace, love, happiness xoxo
everything that i enjoy that allows me to travel, to share these experiences to pour out my soul id trade to live as a nomad in the early "indian years" of the states. wie open plans, traveling, roaming, to collect not just food but knowledge, everything becomes more pricey, more respected, sought after with more passion... longed for like a warm shower after a long day of work, to live day by day in constant need, trusting in the lord, not waiting to be provided too but striving to provide for one self and loved ones is just... attractive to me
ugh, ugh ugh i started writing with a furry of emotion searching to desperately cry out my emotions in hopes to relate to someone that may read this, with no one in mind i continued to write, again stopping in frustration confused, wonder, what next, where next, who next...
peace, love, happiness xoxo
Sunday, August 10, 2008
there is something you must know
ghosts, spirits, angels, demons, they surround us, as i write this i am struggling in ever since of the word, my hands cold and clammy my stomach uneasy, my mind wondering, words unable to explain though, a very calming and appropriate song plays in the back ground.
there are things i have experianced in this world that many will never understand. but ive seen them, felt them, played with them, for them, and rebuked them. They grow more and more found of me as i grow and develop, each new season in life brings bigger and more challenging times.
Little know this, but ive been seeking, or rather ive been longing for mentorship, a better understanding, a guidance for my spirits foot steps. You see i have seen therefore i can not deny them, for once i had faith, and now i have undying proof.
The more i write, talk and seek understanding for these gifts the more attack i feel, this will continue always i feel. I am writing this because of a book i am reading on this topic, a book of "fantasy" that tries to create a story for the "regular man" to understand, and it relates it SOO well. so much in fact that it brings an awakening to my spirit as i feel both good and evil tugging at my being.
i feel like i could write forever here in the comfort of this blog, but i know that i can not simply let that carry on. tonight i will be seeking a very intense encounter for the better of my spirit ugh i feel so weird writing that, this is just my honest "thoughts?" pouring out on paper, pray for me, for understanding, for the light of god to save your soul, awaken your spirit, and free your mind.
there are things i have experianced in this world that many will never understand. but ive seen them, felt them, played with them, for them, and rebuked them. They grow more and more found of me as i grow and develop, each new season in life brings bigger and more challenging times.
Little know this, but ive been seeking, or rather ive been longing for mentorship, a better understanding, a guidance for my spirits foot steps. You see i have seen therefore i can not deny them, for once i had faith, and now i have undying proof.
The more i write, talk and seek understanding for these gifts the more attack i feel, this will continue always i feel. I am writing this because of a book i am reading on this topic, a book of "fantasy" that tries to create a story for the "regular man" to understand, and it relates it SOO well. so much in fact that it brings an awakening to my spirit as i feel both good and evil tugging at my being.
i feel like i could write forever here in the comfort of this blog, but i know that i can not simply let that carry on. tonight i will be seeking a very intense encounter for the better of my spirit ugh i feel so weird writing that, this is just my honest "thoughts?" pouring out on paper, pray for me, for understanding, for the light of god to save your soul, awaken your spirit, and free your mind.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
grrr
As soon as my own father had stopped showing interest in my development i clang to God for his comfort, guidance and strenght. God and i had a very intimate relationship, I HEARD God and he had alwasy spoke so true to me.
I first noticed my dad "not giving a shit" when i would ask him questions i would have about electronics or computers, something my dad had similar interests in, and he would reply "I don't know man, your more into that stuff than me, you've surpassed my knowledge." and instead of walking beside me, taking me to a library, spending time with me to learn with me he "shunned" me off to my own room to play with my theories and grow on my own.
I am at a time in my life where i feel like god is doing the same. I have a question and i bring it to god, and i dont get the comfort from my child hood, maybe im not asking directly enough maybe im not trying hard enough. Im pretty sure ive given my dad more chances than God, but i feel as thou i shouldn't have to beg to get results from god.
maybe he is speaking to me, well id have to say he IS speaking to me about other things, suppose i should be looking into them first, this is a public acknowledgment that i hear his voice, i desire something differnt than the answers i am getting, and i hope to see myself change to listen to his words, and document those changes aswell, i will start anew journy to support his word, and we will hope that it will remain a good word as i have always trusted.
"Gather my broken heart, fragments to a whole... Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, but make it a whole, with light in every part"
I first noticed my dad "not giving a shit" when i would ask him questions i would have about electronics or computers, something my dad had similar interests in, and he would reply "I don't know man, your more into that stuff than me, you've surpassed my knowledge." and instead of walking beside me, taking me to a library, spending time with me to learn with me he "shunned" me off to my own room to play with my theories and grow on my own.
I am at a time in my life where i feel like god is doing the same. I have a question and i bring it to god, and i dont get the comfort from my child hood, maybe im not asking directly enough maybe im not trying hard enough. Im pretty sure ive given my dad more chances than God, but i feel as thou i shouldn't have to beg to get results from god.
maybe he is speaking to me, well id have to say he IS speaking to me about other things, suppose i should be looking into them first, this is a public acknowledgment that i hear his voice, i desire something differnt than the answers i am getting, and i hope to see myself change to listen to his words, and document those changes aswell, i will start anew journy to support his word, and we will hope that it will remain a good word as i have always trusted.
"Gather my broken heart, fragments to a whole... Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, but make it a whole, with light in every part"
Sunday, August 3, 2008
i promised myself that id blog more
because it keeps track of though and becuase it alows thought to flow in an organized fashion that frees my mind and comforts my spirit.
Thinking, seriously starting to think that you really can do to much of it, an unhealthy amount of it. Non stop cycleing, that silly mouse you see at the pet store non stop spinning on that sqeeky wheel. thats my brain, non stop, non medicated, fully aware
Its the sqeeking really that is the annoying part right, i mean plus the fact that hes running in circles, but thats only because he is trapped, i mean lets look at it this way...
There is this little mouse, stuck in a glass cage, thats our current debts, agreements, contracts, they kinda tie us down we can so a limited amount of thing within these confinements but somehow we CHOSE these confinements, for the most part we chose our school debt so that we could get a good education, we chose our car loan so we could have freedom, and we chose our job so that we could feel (key word) secure.
The more annoying thing to me is the squeaking, the fact that i cant just run in circles if i like running (or thinking) that there is always lubrication that needs to be applied to the damn wheel in order for the action of running to be efficient and fully enjoyed.
There are many things that act as lubricant in this world for our "sticky situations" that we wish would work more efficiently for us. almost all are temporary solutions similar to WD-40 on a door hinge.
I am still longing for a permanent solution. God is my lubricant i know this, his people, being in communion with them is when i find great joy. RELATIONSHIPS with strangers, friends, with fellow believers, with the one you are dating, THIS is the most important thing i hold dear and close to me. They are the lubricant to my wheel, right now my friendships need attention, i feel as if we are all off on our own, forgetting times that were and not planning any times to come. for this i am greatly saddened...
I dont even know what to right really i KNOW i cant finish it with that though for i would not be able to be seen as the true optimist that i am. I know seasons are more that what makes the flowers bloom, and the snow come for me to play in. They happen in life to, so as i am in this season of seeking still, seeking friendships, experience , relationship, i will remain optimistic, i will seek out your companionship and together we will go on an adventure seeking thrills and understanding.
love.
Thinking, seriously starting to think that you really can do to much of it, an unhealthy amount of it. Non stop cycleing, that silly mouse you see at the pet store non stop spinning on that sqeeky wheel. thats my brain, non stop, non medicated, fully aware
Its the sqeeking really that is the annoying part right, i mean plus the fact that hes running in circles, but thats only because he is trapped, i mean lets look at it this way...
There is this little mouse, stuck in a glass cage, thats our current debts, agreements, contracts, they kinda tie us down we can so a limited amount of thing within these confinements but somehow we CHOSE these confinements, for the most part we chose our school debt so that we could get a good education, we chose our car loan so we could have freedom, and we chose our job so that we could feel (key word) secure.
The more annoying thing to me is the squeaking, the fact that i cant just run in circles if i like running (or thinking) that there is always lubrication that needs to be applied to the damn wheel in order for the action of running to be efficient and fully enjoyed.
There are many things that act as lubricant in this world for our "sticky situations" that we wish would work more efficiently for us. almost all are temporary solutions similar to WD-40 on a door hinge.
I am still longing for a permanent solution. God is my lubricant i know this, his people, being in communion with them is when i find great joy. RELATIONSHIPS with strangers, friends, with fellow believers, with the one you are dating, THIS is the most important thing i hold dear and close to me. They are the lubricant to my wheel, right now my friendships need attention, i feel as if we are all off on our own, forgetting times that were and not planning any times to come. for this i am greatly saddened...
I dont even know what to right really i KNOW i cant finish it with that though for i would not be able to be seen as the true optimist that i am. I know seasons are more that what makes the flowers bloom, and the snow come for me to play in. They happen in life to, so as i am in this season of seeking still, seeking friendships, experience , relationship, i will remain optimistic, i will seek out your companionship and together we will go on an adventure seeking thrills and understanding.
love.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
romance
There is something about it, something that draws me very near, i have ALWAYS been one to romance over things.
Oh how i love finding new songs for my wife to hear, there are songs that i keep in a playlist if you will with letters that only she will hear, yes i may show the songs to you but you will never understand or recognize them as songs for her, unless you by some magical moment are touching my soul at the same time lol
Beauty, Romance, Togetherness, its just what this southern christian hippy longs for i cant explain it, nothing excited me more than these three, thank god i find all three in god, in our landscapes, andin our people.
Just a reflection on some internal working.
Oh how i love finding new songs for my wife to hear, there are songs that i keep in a playlist if you will with letters that only she will hear, yes i may show the songs to you but you will never understand or recognize them as songs for her, unless you by some magical moment are touching my soul at the same time lol
Beauty, Romance, Togetherness, its just what this southern christian hippy longs for i cant explain it, nothing excited me more than these three, thank god i find all three in god, in our landscapes, andin our people.
Just a reflection on some internal working.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
a few things that make me smile...
secrets...
Every sunday i read the secrets on post secret, the reasons are many. But at the end of the day i smile, reflect, know i am not alone, and thank god that people have compassion, to live, to grow, and to reflect on their lives.
music...
A great mirror, the reflection of a soul, a relationship, an emotional roller coaster the reminds you of the greatest times, the gutter you once woke up in and presents a promise for a beautiful, peaceful future. when you can hear someones soul in a piece and when it speaks to yours, its like holding hands with a loved one, its just that amazing.
good deads...
SERIOUSLY im at work, on a call, i caught a full 10 seconds plus the last 3 seconds of this clip and i felt the tears coming on, this is the most beautiful part of the human society, acting as a society, making an effort to help one another.
When these things "reach out" and "touch you" that "clammy feeling" (whether its reminding you of good times or bad) always makes the "pipes" behind these eyes open up, but for some reason, for some TERRIBLE reason they are dry, no tears come forth and i am once again searching to relate to the human race. (it is my hope that others have had the same struggle, and that in that way we do relate)
haha i promised this one was going to be positive and it is because i think we all leave feeling that way about some part of our lives. We search to relate to each other and as well succeed at this we are comforted. It is only when we fail to relate we feel secluded and different, i never said different is a bad thing ;)
Every sunday i read the secrets on post secret, the reasons are many. But at the end of the day i smile, reflect, know i am not alone, and thank god that people have compassion, to live, to grow, and to reflect on their lives.
music...
A great mirror, the reflection of a soul, a relationship, an emotional roller coaster the reminds you of the greatest times, the gutter you once woke up in and presents a promise for a beautiful, peaceful future. when you can hear someones soul in a piece and when it speaks to yours, its like holding hands with a loved one, its just that amazing.
good deads...
SERIOUSLY im at work, on a call, i caught a full 10 seconds plus the last 3 seconds of this clip and i felt the tears coming on, this is the most beautiful part of the human society, acting as a society, making an effort to help one another.
When these things "reach out" and "touch you" that "clammy feeling" (whether its reminding you of good times or bad) always makes the "pipes" behind these eyes open up, but for some reason, for some TERRIBLE reason they are dry, no tears come forth and i am once again searching to relate to the human race. (it is my hope that others have had the same struggle, and that in that way we do relate)
haha i promised this one was going to be positive and it is because i think we all leave feeling that way about some part of our lives. We search to relate to each other and as well succeed at this we are comforted. It is only when we fail to relate we feel secluded and different, i never said different is a bad thing ;)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
craving change
(click start on the music below to enjoy sound track :)
I am in an awe of the itching at my bones at the moment.
is this all caused by the media cramming this damn word "change" down our throats? i doubt it i rarely listen to their shit. But none the less my bones feel compressed in this word change. My life feels stalled and dried up. i am past the point of being spread to thin. This wafer is about to crumble and cook under the power of distress.
ive been listening to alot of "folkish hippy music" and i feel trapped inside my own body, maybe this is where my recent crave for experience has been derived from.
Im debating moving, to where idk ive applied for jobs in Ohio, other parts of WA and soon to be applying for positions in CO. i need a drastic change for alot of reasons i will try to list a few and be as honest as i can these are my thoughts, my feelings, the reasons for the aching in my soul
1. I feel unusually far from my god, that is the first thought at least, maybe this is how i am interpreting my need for a move, as if he is calling me out of my current situation to explore a world without my current comforts.
2. craving simplicity , my theme for 2008, since the new year i have wanted to simplify my life, use less, waste less become more reliant on the basics
3. desiring experiences that have been pushed off, or neglected before. i cant really explain this one, mind expansion maybe, trying to TRULY separate heart mind and soul. the feeling that ive grown up to fast, taken on to much responsibility?
4. a new found depressed state of mind for the sad shit that is going on in this nation at the moment, war, health care, the "order" of importance of our current administration and those to come seems completely un humanitarian and it bugs the shit out of me
thanks for reading, maybe soon i will escape this funk, maybe by looking inward more i will figure out more of who i am, wait i know i will, im just uncertain of how to interpret it or accommodate the change that needs to take place in order for me to feel like the me on the inside, anyone have ideas?
I am in an awe of the itching at my bones at the moment.
is this all caused by the media cramming this damn word "change" down our throats? i doubt it i rarely listen to their shit. But none the less my bones feel compressed in this word change. My life feels stalled and dried up. i am past the point of being spread to thin. This wafer is about to crumble and cook under the power of distress.
ive been listening to alot of "folkish hippy music" and i feel trapped inside my own body, maybe this is where my recent crave for experience has been derived from.
Im debating moving, to where idk ive applied for jobs in Ohio, other parts of WA and soon to be applying for positions in CO. i need a drastic change for alot of reasons i will try to list a few and be as honest as i can these are my thoughts, my feelings, the reasons for the aching in my soul
1. I feel unusually far from my god, that is the first thought at least, maybe this is how i am interpreting my need for a move, as if he is calling me out of my current situation to explore a world without my current comforts.
2. craving simplicity , my theme for 2008, since the new year i have wanted to simplify my life, use less, waste less become more reliant on the basics
3. desiring experiences that have been pushed off, or neglected before. i cant really explain this one, mind expansion maybe, trying to TRULY separate heart mind and soul. the feeling that ive grown up to fast, taken on to much responsibility?
4. a new found depressed state of mind for the sad shit that is going on in this nation at the moment, war, health care, the "order" of importance of our current administration and those to come seems completely un humanitarian and it bugs the shit out of me
thanks for reading, maybe soon i will escape this funk, maybe by looking inward more i will figure out more of who i am, wait i know i will, im just uncertain of how to interpret it or accommodate the change that needs to take place in order for me to feel like the me on the inside, anyone have ideas?
Monday, June 9, 2008
spirit
i am completely in need at the moment, yet no one is here to come to the aid, i need to meet with you on the deepest levels and i have become scared of those interactions becuase of the demons i feel surrounding my soul, i know you know my need yet there is no one here, so is it a want, is it safe to do alone, im honestly to scared to find out
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Reflection
Thought
Reflection
Meditation
Reflection
Meditation
Discovery
Absortion
Reaction
Restoration
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
La line 1
Adventures
Discovery
Experiances
Imagine the life of an explorer constantly seeking, exploring and recording every movement. Carfully moving with direction but no knowing not at all what is in front of him.
We are all explorers of this world and as our lifes move forward we are trying to move forward with the same steadfastness. Often times the world however presents us with obsticals and many of us turn around or sit still.
In order to continue to be great however we must continue to move forward figuing out new ways to invent space travel. We must be steadfast in the forward motion of the brain.
After the new year of 2001 i redeticated my life to God and now after the new year of 2008 i have found a man. I have discovered that i am exactly who i always felt i am, a person i can fall in love with and a person anyone else would be happy to fall in love with.
Im writing this simply for the purpose of promoting self discovery the continued path forward till you are able to fall in love with yourself, recognizing all the amazing things about yourself while working on your flaws. Id like to encourage you to take the time out of your busy life to do the same.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Discovery
Experiances
Imagine the life of an explorer constantly seeking, exploring and recording every movement. Carfully moving with direction but no knowing not at all what is in front of him.
We are all explorers of this world and as our lifes move forward we are trying to move forward with the same steadfastness. Often times the world however presents us with obsticals and many of us turn around or sit still.
In order to continue to be great however we must continue to move forward figuing out new ways to invent space travel. We must be steadfast in the forward motion of the brain.
After the new year of 2001 i redeticated my life to God and now after the new year of 2008 i have found a man. I have discovered that i am exactly who i always felt i am, a person i can fall in love with and a person anyone else would be happy to fall in love with.
Im writing this simply for the purpose of promoting self discovery the continued path forward till you are able to fall in love with yourself, recognizing all the amazing things about yourself while working on your flaws. Id like to encourage you to take the time out of your busy life to do the same.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Saturday, January 26, 2008
grip on time
there are feelings i feel no matter the position the sun is in the sky
feelings that tell me i am certainly my own being but a slave to this world
as i watch the time go by each day i come to more and more of a realization that i am here to change time
encapsulated in it i feel a need to escape from the sixty seconds that each minute provides, expanding them in some odd manner i always manage to squeeze more into each one as they pass
squeezing becomes harder as the time passes, like a heavy weight it is hard to restrain from letting go of the goals that i see are so close
why do i long to control time like i do, to feel like i am in control, is it a gift to be in control or a fault of man to feel like i do...
god will surly continue to lead my footsteps into the time that he wishes to create, i only with i wasnt one step behind
as my soul listens my heart and mind play catch up they are to busy in the times to slow down and listen to the truth that is inside
for these reasons i want to escape your world, come back to it one day to help it none the less, but get away to better manage my time, my youth, my supposed stronger body
there are many more people that want to help others out there and im finally finding some of there faces, and sure enough like finding a bread on the brink of extension there is a great joy and overwhelming comfort in knowing i am not alone... still though none the less time presses on
feelings that tell me i am certainly my own being but a slave to this world
as i watch the time go by each day i come to more and more of a realization that i am here to change time
encapsulated in it i feel a need to escape from the sixty seconds that each minute provides, expanding them in some odd manner i always manage to squeeze more into each one as they pass
squeezing becomes harder as the time passes, like a heavy weight it is hard to restrain from letting go of the goals that i see are so close
why do i long to control time like i do, to feel like i am in control, is it a gift to be in control or a fault of man to feel like i do...
god will surly continue to lead my footsteps into the time that he wishes to create, i only with i wasnt one step behind
as my soul listens my heart and mind play catch up they are to busy in the times to slow down and listen to the truth that is inside
for these reasons i want to escape your world, come back to it one day to help it none the less, but get away to better manage my time, my youth, my supposed stronger body
there are many more people that want to help others out there and im finally finding some of there faces, and sure enough like finding a bread on the brink of extension there is a great joy and overwhelming comfort in knowing i am not alone... still though none the less time presses on
Friday, January 18, 2008
hello life
I am in a constant struggle with the assumption that feel like i am extraordinary
maybe because i so badly desire to serve the ordinary, not to be separated, but able to mingle.
I feel entrapped in your digital and concrete world, and I am afraid i'm not quite sure how to leave it behind. I know the skills i have could help afar. When will i see that, when will i know, that i am meant to do so much more.
Oh the struggles to understand ones self, why are they so hard? im sure it has something to do with patience, something that i am finally getting a grasp on, i know this cause i don't feel to needy.
The questions tend to puzzle me like an ever changing maze, so much to think of, the streets have many ways, so many are ever changing i will stay afloat letting the waves of gods love guide me to the better days...
"blind melon- no rain"
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
maybe because i so badly desire to serve the ordinary, not to be separated, but able to mingle.
I feel entrapped in your digital and concrete world, and I am afraid i'm not quite sure how to leave it behind. I know the skills i have could help afar. When will i see that, when will i know, that i am meant to do so much more.
Oh the struggles to understand ones self, why are they so hard? im sure it has something to do with patience, something that i am finally getting a grasp on, i know this cause i don't feel to needy.
The questions tend to puzzle me like an ever changing maze, so much to think of, the streets have many ways, so many are ever changing i will stay afloat letting the waves of gods love guide me to the better days...
"blind melon- no rain"
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane
I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
dear verizon
am i your untapped resource...
am i to be walked upon,
am i to continue to hold your strength,
i am the brick and mortar, your support beam
i am the word that comes from your mouth
i hold the secrets to mend the business
yet
again i am treated as a can of food,
not to be recycled, or cleaned
just used and thrown into a pile with other dirty cans
Did you read the label and not like the taste of the contents?
have you not informed me about your tendencies to purge your food
i hope that this nasty taste will leave my mouth soon or i may have to leave
am i to be walked upon,
am i to continue to hold your strength,
i am the brick and mortar, your support beam
i am the word that comes from your mouth
i hold the secrets to mend the business
yet
again i am treated as a can of food,
not to be recycled, or cleaned
just used and thrown into a pile with other dirty cans
Did you read the label and not like the taste of the contents?
have you not informed me about your tendencies to purge your food
i hope that this nasty taste will leave my mouth soon or i may have to leave
a rare feeling
today i feel so negative,
i am surrounded by negativity,
this place, the people, the phone calls,
the people like a whip they scratch at the surface,
tear at my heart, and separate me from my soul.
I feel helpless and stuck,
motivated with goals but unable to move,
lost but not alone, unable to excel past the crowd.
The out bursts of anger make me feel like i am of this world,
but i am quickly grounded when i remember,
i live to be in the world but not a product of it.
these feelings are rare, because most of you know i'm a highly positive person
i just cant escape the reality that i don't belong serving these people, i don't belong working for this man. I can usually find comfort in knowing that it is temporary, and i must continue to work on my least known trait... patience.
i am surrounded by negativity,
this place, the people, the phone calls,
the people like a whip they scratch at the surface,
tear at my heart, and separate me from my soul.
I feel helpless and stuck,
motivated with goals but unable to move,
lost but not alone, unable to excel past the crowd.
The out bursts of anger make me feel like i am of this world,
but i am quickly grounded when i remember,
i live to be in the world but not a product of it.
these feelings are rare, because most of you know i'm a highly positive person
i just cant escape the reality that i don't belong serving these people, i don't belong working for this man. I can usually find comfort in knowing that it is temporary, and i must continue to work on my least known trait... patience.
Friday, January 11, 2008
negitivity and bitterness
are two things that need to be extracted like a poison from the earths crust
i dont get it
i dont get how i think so much differently, how i strive to rid myself of all negitive energy
and others prefer to just let it seep in and run there lives
ive got a few negative friends VERY few and when they get all negative i start to drown them out, while still paying enough attention to give good advice
all im saying is that the world has to many bitter people that bitterness and negativity DOES radiate and affect the ones around you, please work on being nicer to those around you
assume less
learn to love yourself
think with a positive attitude
and converse in deep conversation with good friends
open up to more people and be surprised at all the good that really is in the world
and i promiss you will see a brighter happier future in you life
i dont get it
i dont get how i think so much differently, how i strive to rid myself of all negitive energy
and others prefer to just let it seep in and run there lives
ive got a few negative friends VERY few and when they get all negative i start to drown them out, while still paying enough attention to give good advice
all im saying is that the world has to many bitter people that bitterness and negativity DOES radiate and affect the ones around you, please work on being nicer to those around you
assume less
learn to love yourself
think with a positive attitude
and converse in deep conversation with good friends
open up to more people and be surprised at all the good that really is in the world
and i promiss you will see a brighter happier future in you life
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