So ive came here to dump my thoughts, i still feel more comfortable here in my blogger ATM, raw thoughts will always be more welcome here, at least it seems, THIS was the blog of half thoughts, a place for thoughts to brew, with no constructive shape or form, a place where sentance structure never mattered.
In my live journal i want to be more put together for the presentation purposes i belive, haha i jsut wrote i think but who am i kidding, im a whore for presentation, for being proper for being able to been seen in a certain light. We are all judged and in the new community enviroment of the Livejournal, at this moment i feel like the new kid in school and im nto quite ready to memory dump. i want a few solid thoughts on the table and this morning i can not come up with them.
Its exremely frustrating to me when i know i want to write about something yet i am choked by my own thoughts, extremely! i can be come music ADD, looking for a saltine cracker to pull out the moisture of my salty mind, yet the cracker has failed me. This morning the salt does not flow as it should, it is raining out side yet nothing is pouring out of this mind but the comfort of my metophores
I have also noticed a heightened sense of wanting to use spell check, WTF is this?! ME care about my grammar, yes its true things certainly are changing, as i review my blogs i am both extremely excited to see the flow of random thought without a care in the world, but as i am changed from the inside i become more aware of the outside, of what i would like to express to the outside and because of what i want to become i have to start sanding these forms instead of leaving them freshly cut from wood.
Maybe I just need to dump a few thoughts over in the Live journal from my collection of blogs over here to establish what I think would be a formidable foundation. I told that community I would, will I? Or will I leave it to be a blank slate for new thoughts? I have until the New Year, the new years posts will most definitely be posted there. Will I be ready for this new form of expression, I have never doubted my abilities before, let’s see if this young chap can focus and continue his passion in a slightly altered form.
I love all of you who have watched my blogs here, but I crave the community of LiveJournal please join me it truly is my passion that we will be able to share more thoughts together in LJ open environment.
http://ebarcus.livejournal.com
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
metaphors are easier for me, current mood
Do you remember the first time you went star gazing and someone pointed out a satellite in the sky and said look! They taught you if you were really still you could see them and that they had no blinking lights, those were airplanes. The next time you were out in the dark night full of stars you were searching for satellites with a few new friends. You informed them how to identify the imposters and you started your search. "There's one!" You would say, you’re proud to be the first to point it out. However someone quickly asks the congregation if they also see the blinking light that is on your satellite. They all agree in this friend’s discovery, a stillness overwhelms the group again and you feel slightly disappointed.
I'm tiered of airplanes, I want my satellite...
I'm tiered of airplanes, I want my satellite...
Exhausting nights, lady lights
It is on nights like this that I desire to come home to a woman most. The slightest connection with her form is an instant spark on my circuits and sends a refreshing charge to the batteries that are in deep sleep within my feet. I am tiered from my late nights and long work week. I have pushed thru 7 days of working 10hr days and have one last day to go. My day today has been filled with music that I wish to share with her. My mind has wondered here and there and wish to express its inner most core with her.
Ohh devendra banhart how I wish to lay down with a woman and listen to your beautiful songs. The comfort from these hippish songs allow me to stroke my beard and find comfort in self identity. The beard is not what defines me but yet it is I who groom my beard and the rest of myself into this object in which I will “flaunt” in order to find a “mate.” Flaunt and mate are in quotation marks simply for the fact that I do not have the energy to search for better words to relate to you the more deeper feelings that are related to these “feelings?”
Shit this blog is now lame, im done :) wifey i dont care if it takes me 10 yrs to finally be with you im glad we have taken the time to find each other and not settle no matter how attractive it may be at times
Ohh devendra banhart how I wish to lay down with a woman and listen to your beautiful songs. The comfort from these hippish songs allow me to stroke my beard and find comfort in self identity. The beard is not what defines me but yet it is I who groom my beard and the rest of myself into this object in which I will “flaunt” in order to find a “mate.” Flaunt and mate are in quotation marks simply for the fact that I do not have the energy to search for better words to relate to you the more deeper feelings that are related to these “feelings?”
Shit this blog is now lame, im done :) wifey i dont care if it takes me 10 yrs to finally be with you im glad we have taken the time to find each other and not settle no matter how attractive it may be at times
Monday, December 1, 2008
beautiful colors in the T-shirt of life
"However, the further I travel into my heart's inner workings, the more I find that the unexplored territory is beautiful, it's not flawed like I had once believed. Gaining familiarity with the little bit of myself that I have discovered has opened me up to a whole different thought process." - a woman i will always love
the act of searching for ones self is a beautiful thing, wait its actually usually quite dark and dirty. at least thats what we feel as we are taking that journey at least in the beginning thats how we feel.
its sorta like a tie dye T-shirt, you've got this bunched up white odd shaped "slate" in front of you. you start experiencing life and dipping it in some colors, there are phases of this process that are very bright and that you feel accomplished for. Then as you slow down and start analyzing what you've been doing it all starts to look like a mess because you've just got all these colors everywhere. Blues on top of oranges on top of reds, yellows and greens making a mess of things.
so you stop
you start to wonder how you got to this, wither or not you have taken all the right steps in creating yourself, wither or not your going to like the outcome of the product your trying to sell the world. a rubber band will coem off and you will see a wrinkle or two expand, the innocence of the blank slate shines thru a bit and you remember that once you were nothing but now you are something, what it is you are still not to certain.
you are now on a journey of undoing the rest of these bands that have separated points of definition in your life. with each one the final product begins to be more and more reviled, memories of what brought you to this point seem to unfold with great momentum, and you are completely overwhelmed and astonished at what you have created.
still unsure of your creation sill greatly overwhelmed with emotion you analyze your life, your T-shirt you find happiness and the pursuit of it, you find spots where the colors just didn't fit good together, you see lines that connect the experiences making the process seem somewhat constructed with meaning. Similarities within the ways all the colors connect bring a since of self recognition that at least you have found definition in the way you generally work and you sit in confusion once again as you try to further dilute your mind in thought.
My friends, the ones i love, and the ones i have yet to converse with, i tell you at this moment we are all in unison with each other, we are all on a journey of self exploration and your colors are beautiful, even the dark ones that seep in the cracks.
I love you all and i hope you are enjoying the journey as much as i am no matter how difficult it may seem now :) <3
the act of searching for ones self is a beautiful thing, wait its actually usually quite dark and dirty. at least thats what we feel as we are taking that journey at least in the beginning thats how we feel.
its sorta like a tie dye T-shirt, you've got this bunched up white odd shaped "slate" in front of you. you start experiencing life and dipping it in some colors, there are phases of this process that are very bright and that you feel accomplished for. Then as you slow down and start analyzing what you've been doing it all starts to look like a mess because you've just got all these colors everywhere. Blues on top of oranges on top of reds, yellows and greens making a mess of things.
so you stop
you start to wonder how you got to this, wither or not you have taken all the right steps in creating yourself, wither or not your going to like the outcome of the product your trying to sell the world. a rubber band will coem off and you will see a wrinkle or two expand, the innocence of the blank slate shines thru a bit and you remember that once you were nothing but now you are something, what it is you are still not to certain.
you are now on a journey of undoing the rest of these bands that have separated points of definition in your life. with each one the final product begins to be more and more reviled, memories of what brought you to this point seem to unfold with great momentum, and you are completely overwhelmed and astonished at what you have created.
still unsure of your creation sill greatly overwhelmed with emotion you analyze your life, your T-shirt you find happiness and the pursuit of it, you find spots where the colors just didn't fit good together, you see lines that connect the experiences making the process seem somewhat constructed with meaning. Similarities within the ways all the colors connect bring a since of self recognition that at least you have found definition in the way you generally work and you sit in confusion once again as you try to further dilute your mind in thought.
My friends, the ones i love, and the ones i have yet to converse with, i tell you at this moment we are all in unison with each other, we are all on a journey of self exploration and your colors are beautiful, even the dark ones that seep in the cracks.
I love you all and i hope you are enjoying the journey as much as i am no matter how difficult it may seem now :) <3
Saturday, November 22, 2008
my apologies
Id Like to apologize for not writing you sooner. Much has happened much was not said, there are many blogs saved as drafts (from this past month) and today I will go back and publish them. I rarely keep my thoughts guarded, but when they involve others or implement a negative motive I tend to recluse in them, keep them for my private personal record and then release them when they are but history.
Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.
It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.
Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.
Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)
Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.
It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.
Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.
Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)
Friday, November 7, 2008
someone
**edited after nasondra "incedent"**
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
Sunday, November 2, 2008
4 drafts, waitting to be published
What importance does taht have?
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
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