i feel as if i allow my brain to eat itself
i consume myself in thought
the cold spreads to my spirit and i become dull
this is a rarity
this is a moment
not a season
but an event
short and bitter sweet it usually is
why
loneliness
bitterness
confusion
depression
everyone has experienced it to some level
i dont allow it
i am thankful that these moments are just funks
but non the less it is like tar that is chocking my spirit
appreciation
respect
two things that i hold very near and dear to my trust
"ive got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots"
"but my tongue is tied off"
written words are hard to mute
hard to erase
memories can not be erased
shall they?
naw
forgiveness
the final word
or the first word
ramble ramble ramble
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
the past is a grotesque animal
ive wrote about this before but right now my head is spinning and it all follows suit with my previous "thoughts" that today (or as i had seen it) 2 days before nasondra is supposed to get here... would be the tuffest day so far
i dont even know what to say without assuming
if you know my youtube channel (youtube.com/noassumptions) and if you have read my other blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com you will know how dangerous i think assumptions are so i will make none rather i will blog feelings for record, for therapy, for future reflection...
google the title to this blog and listen to the song by of Montreal, its beautiful, powerful, full of emotion, and i knew at the beginning of this year it would be the theme of this year, i connect with it in so many ways
i guess you can say that everyone looks at there past and that it affects them in some way or another in which ways it affects you i cant say but for me i see it as a reference an Eric Barcus encyclopedia if you will.. in the making
i wrote in my other active blog (link above, another post to come this week sorry for delays) i wrote about how our expectations have to based on a history of truths, i think that is true for almost every situation except for those in which we are new to
so what im trying to say is that i like to use my past to set my expectations for the future in the situations in which i have been in before but if there are any new variables these expectations become altered and the truths of the matter become more cloudy
i wonder what it would look like if i created a blog where i le tmy mind spu for an entire night an hr or more of jsut writting at any one time, i dont think any of you would read it thats alot of reading but id document time and ect ect
ugh head clearing is good, im still in a haze and will be on and off tonight but i like jsut writting xoxo my loves
i dont even know what to say without assuming
if you know my youtube channel (youtube.com/noassumptions) and if you have read my other blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com you will know how dangerous i think assumptions are so i will make none rather i will blog feelings for record, for therapy, for future reflection...
google the title to this blog and listen to the song by of Montreal, its beautiful, powerful, full of emotion, and i knew at the beginning of this year it would be the theme of this year, i connect with it in so many ways
i guess you can say that everyone looks at there past and that it affects them in some way or another in which ways it affects you i cant say but for me i see it as a reference an Eric Barcus encyclopedia if you will.. in the making
i wrote in my other active blog (link above, another post to come this week sorry for delays) i wrote about how our expectations have to based on a history of truths, i think that is true for almost every situation except for those in which we are new to
so what im trying to say is that i like to use my past to set my expectations for the future in the situations in which i have been in before but if there are any new variables these expectations become altered and the truths of the matter become more cloudy
i wonder what it would look like if i created a blog where i le tmy mind spu for an entire night an hr or more of jsut writting at any one time, i dont think any of you would read it thats alot of reading but id document time and ect ect
ugh head clearing is good, im still in a haze and will be on and off tonight but i like jsut writting xoxo my loves
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
the forces that be
i have always had a hightened since of siritual awareness.
becuase of what ive been thru when i was a wiccan
and now that i am a christian again
i feel these spiritual tugs even more so
and
anytime that something amazing is about to happen the opposition tugs harder desireing to devour my every last emotion of happiness, in hopes to destory me
ive seen this many times before, its the reason these blogs started... i doubt many of you have read the entire posting about changing a situation into a solution but thats why i started writting to get these feeling on paper, i gues its been a little over a year that i have felt this much intinsity in these spiritual tugs but my god it sucks, my god i long to be pulled out on top of this mess as i have many times before
trapped in tar i struggle to breath
my sweetlime, my love, my god, if i am to be stripped of everything else it is my deisre to still be surrounded by these three.
a harmony of love these three, this triad is my strenght, my comfort, my life.. nothing will ever seperate me from desireing your influance and guidance in my life
thats enough medicene for now.. but watch this blog here...
http://insidebarcus.blogspot.com/
for more updates on my "short story" of my spiritual walk thus far in my life
love will remain the strongest force of them all xoxo
becuase of what ive been thru when i was a wiccan
and now that i am a christian again
i feel these spiritual tugs even more so
and
anytime that something amazing is about to happen the opposition tugs harder desireing to devour my every last emotion of happiness, in hopes to destory me
ive seen this many times before, its the reason these blogs started... i doubt many of you have read the entire posting about changing a situation into a solution but thats why i started writting to get these feeling on paper, i gues its been a little over a year that i have felt this much intinsity in these spiritual tugs but my god it sucks, my god i long to be pulled out on top of this mess as i have many times before
trapped in tar i struggle to breath
my sweetlime, my love, my god, if i am to be stripped of everything else it is my deisre to still be surrounded by these three.
a harmony of love these three, this triad is my strenght, my comfort, my life.. nothing will ever seperate me from desireing your influance and guidance in my life
thats enough medicene for now.. but watch this blog here...
http://insidebarcus.blogspot.com/
for more updates on my "short story" of my spiritual walk thus far in my life
love will remain the strongest force of them all xoxo
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
a busy busy head
i can not stop thinking, or blogging, i have a secret blog i write letters in for my future wife, and after much debate about the economy at work, and after consuming myself in thought i still have much more to say and since im stuck at work with no work to distract me i must write...
im not even sure what will comfort me at this moment, i do know that if nasondra calls this writting will be greatly delayed for she speaks comfort to me.
But since she is busy at work as well i must use this outlet for my busy mind.
UGH is the word of the month it is an grunt that happens when the brain stops bettween to thoughts, it is a moment of peace where i am reminded of the beauty of simplicity.
UGH is soo simple sooo understood...
Work has just interrupted my writing for the last 10 mins, and is still picking at my brain, and it still amazes me when i multi task... as i was working collecting data for the tasks to be preformed i was singing death cab (every Seattle kids magical lullaby) as well as thinking about which thoughts would "make it to the press" next.
my last post went over those problems, i have a million ideas racing threw my mind ( ok ok not a million) (BIG LONG PAUSE TO WORK OUT CRAP CRAP CPRA AT WORK)
but only some of them can make it to paper (yay! finally a finished thought)
MAN that was a lot of crap at work and a great friend called and wanted to talk tonight aswell and now im kinda lost in thought again of not knowing what to write
UGH
there are a million thoughts still racing maybe ill write more tonight i will be live on my web cam at stickam.com/thethinkingromantic later to talk to anyone so coe by there but yeah
ugh
till good weather thou with sweet lime around
im not even sure what will comfort me at this moment, i do know that if nasondra calls this writting will be greatly delayed for she speaks comfort to me.
But since she is busy at work as well i must use this outlet for my busy mind.
UGH is the word of the month it is an grunt that happens when the brain stops bettween to thoughts, it is a moment of peace where i am reminded of the beauty of simplicity.
UGH is soo simple sooo understood...
Work has just interrupted my writing for the last 10 mins, and is still picking at my brain, and it still amazes me when i multi task... as i was working collecting data for the tasks to be preformed i was singing death cab (every Seattle kids magical lullaby) as well as thinking about which thoughts would "make it to the press" next.
my last post went over those problems, i have a million ideas racing threw my mind ( ok ok not a million) (BIG LONG PAUSE TO WORK OUT CRAP CRAP CPRA AT WORK)
but only some of them can make it to paper (yay! finally a finished thought)
MAN that was a lot of crap at work and a great friend called and wanted to talk tonight aswell and now im kinda lost in thought again of not knowing what to write
UGH
there are a million thoughts still racing maybe ill write more tonight i will be live on my web cam at stickam.com/thethinkingromantic later to talk to anyone so coe by there but yeah
ugh
till good weather thou with sweet lime around
Monday, October 6, 2008
a dirty little explotion ewww or no eww?
ive come to realize more and more that nothing and i mean nothing (accept maybe seeing someone come to know Christ) gets me more excited or fills me with more joy then seeing someones mind exploding in thought
while getting to know many of you online my FAVORITE TIMES are when we are talking and your mind starts to just spue. even as i write this one sentace er ei will not corrent and of my typing erros i will jsut let my fingers try to keep up with my thought and see whetre it goes and you will see that it is an explotion of thought that i lcve to much and as i hit the backspace to try to correct my erros i keep typing to try ot get a pioiojt acrossmaybe the real point is that i dont have good tping skills that i have no need to use dialect that the modern man would use no puncutation no organized though jsut rambe this is what it looks like when i try ot let my exteriour keep up with whats in my head and i love this dirty explotion it excited me more than the organized htoughts that i write in other blogs, please use the comments below to try the same and explode in thought with me :) <3
while getting to know many of you online my FAVORITE TIMES are when we are talking and your mind starts to just spue. even as i write this one sentace er ei will not corrent and of my typing erros i will jsut let my fingers try to keep up with my thought and see whetre it goes and you will see that it is an explotion of thought that i lcve to much and as i hit the backspace to try to correct my erros i keep typing to try ot get a pioiojt acrossmaybe the real point is that i dont have good tping skills that i have no need to use dialect that the modern man would use no puncutation no organized though jsut rambe this is what it looks like when i try ot let my exteriour keep up with whats in my head and i love this dirty explotion it excited me more than the organized htoughts that i write in other blogs, please use the comments below to try the same and explode in thought with me :) <3
Friday, October 3, 2008
our passions run thick in one blood
Ohh how much joy overcomes me when i think of the name Nasondra, my sweet lime, my cow eyes.
I am no longer single, no longer waiting on that magical woman to find me and captivate me, she has found me and has my full attention, i couldnt ask for anything more.
She actually found my blogs, read a few, found me interesting enough to contact and then its been non stop since then. We are jsut happy thats all that i can say, we are overwhelmed with happiness and joy for the unknown. But the stronger more solid feelings we share are those of "just knowing."
There are no true words that either of us can come up with to explain this but when we try to explain it we are lost saying "ughh" "ahhh" and "it just feels so right"
when i think about this wondreful woman, this comfort to my spirit, this companion i hope to please for the rest of my life i get stuck in thought, i become quiet, which for me is soo hard. As my mind races with a million thoughts, they end up racing all over her, her voice, her thoughts, her sex appeal, the experiances shared and those to come. then
STOP
i see us married, in a home and heart that we share not as two seperate parts in one intity but as one breathing life giving organism, our passions run thick in one blood.
there is distance now between us, an uncomfortable shoe one size to small, confiding us to our labors of every day motion. ohh how i long for our first interactions, and how i will long for those moments to be never ending. someday we are both certain that God will figure out how, where, when we are both supposed to finally be together in the same home, untill then my fantisy runs wild and is ultimatly calmed by the overwhelming feeling of "just knowing"
xoxo that one man that thinks alot
I am no longer single, no longer waiting on that magical woman to find me and captivate me, she has found me and has my full attention, i couldnt ask for anything more.
She actually found my blogs, read a few, found me interesting enough to contact and then its been non stop since then. We are jsut happy thats all that i can say, we are overwhelmed with happiness and joy for the unknown. But the stronger more solid feelings we share are those of "just knowing."
There are no true words that either of us can come up with to explain this but when we try to explain it we are lost saying "ughh" "ahhh" and "it just feels so right"
when i think about this wondreful woman, this comfort to my spirit, this companion i hope to please for the rest of my life i get stuck in thought, i become quiet, which for me is soo hard. As my mind races with a million thoughts, they end up racing all over her, her voice, her thoughts, her sex appeal, the experiances shared and those to come. then
STOP
i see us married, in a home and heart that we share not as two seperate parts in one intity but as one breathing life giving organism, our passions run thick in one blood.
there is distance now between us, an uncomfortable shoe one size to small, confiding us to our labors of every day motion. ohh how i long for our first interactions, and how i will long for those moments to be never ending. someday we are both certain that God will figure out how, where, when we are both supposed to finally be together in the same home, untill then my fantisy runs wild and is ultimatly calmed by the overwhelming feeling of "just knowing"
xoxo that one man that thinks alot
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