i didnt even want these fucking rats

I remember thinking that after the breakup, during the move.

I remember being sooo weirded out by the tails thinking you were weird for wanting them, but i loved that weird side of you, a rarely seen thing.

i grew to love them quick i loved my little barb wed take showers and id have her out frequently, thumby was quite difficult in the beginning at times i remember i would taught you about it for some reason

so thumby has been getting sick, she hasnt been moving much, and it looked as if barb was taking care of her most of this time, bathing her, not being as stingy with food, and ALOT of cuddling/nest making

this morning i woke up and its so bad, thumby is rolling around and can barely sit on her back feet, barly lift her head into her food bowl, id "take care of her/put her out" if i thought she was in any real pain, or if it would make it easier for her, but her eyes are stil full of life ya know,

its sooo weird how you can get to know something so well, a dog, cat or even a rat that you can tell its emotions. and i write you about it in a long text and all you can say back is "That is sad. Poor girl. I dont know what i would do" its just very frustrating, specialy with her dying im thinking about you more and all i can think is the same thing "that is sad. poor girl. i dont know what [to] do" ugh ugh ugh

God is good

Oh the sweet love that i am receiving from my lord. i dwell in its beauty as i am romanced by my one true suitor. again i, the wondering lamb, am being brought back into your loving arms. i am done holding your coat tail and will once again take refuge in your loving embrace.

This sin, these demons, work ever so hard upon this withered body. their fangs and claws, the sharp piercing silent pain now has a voice and is condemning you and entrapping my flesh.

Praise be to you and your name that i can call on you for salvation. Praise be to you for bringing me guides upon which i can breath with, giving me weapons to use for finding peace in my spirit.


NOTE:I long for the day in which i will know if the human spirit can ever truly be separate from the world and be united in Gods spirit, in my youth which i am living now i see no true way to completely disconnected the spirit from the world, even with the brain taking care of these duties, because as the brain has many functions "feelings" are not, "emotions" are not, the brain reacts and produces byproducts from the stimulations of the spirit and soul, but i do not believe it can adapt to be an organ of feeling, past a headache from thinking to much, again, byproduct or no?


well, i thought i may have more to write on this subject more to speak of, more to express to you, "for the record" i have slid once again, fell hard into the daemons grasp, blinded at times to the point of not caring to ask for gods helping hand, knowing that i could and denying my souls ambitions, but once again the Shepard is after his lamb and i must stand tall must free my spirit to search for my soul, must use these angels to fight my daemons, must come out victorious, there really is no telling how bad it could get... (dont worry it is only hurting myself ;)

this last few weeks...

ive been piss drunk in emotion, from getting to meet one of my dearest friends in phoenix, all the fun that could ever be experienced there with her and my other new firends i made on that trip.

The deep conversations ive had with many of my newer male firends, is something ill be forever thankful for.

And ive started to read, which sounds funny, and it is, cause ive never "enjoyed" reading at least ive always had to have a purose to read, ive never done it for enjoyment, or in self seeking enlightenment, reasons being that most things that have been writin are about things that HAVE happened, as i write now i am writing about what has happend, reflecting on the past. But ive found a new respect for learning from that shared history, and for that i am ever thankful.

A crush of mine got me readding too, soo off course thats lame haha cause now i have an asosiation with a crush and a new found joy, its like sharing good bands with a girlfriend, youll always be sharing them, even after the band puts out the new cd youll still think of her.

this encounter with books is helping me with some sin ive had in my life for a very long time thou, and for that i am forever thankful. its a long battle, that i am currently slipping towards but must turn to god for salvation from.

moving, was hectic, my little brother bitched out on the cleaning and let my father do his talking for him, thanks dad, thanks for speaking for the "boy" i hope someday he will man up and talk for himself if hes got a date he wants to go to instead of stay home and clean he can TALK to me about it with control using his own words. Hes always hated people steepping in and talking for him so he gets pissed off to express himself and hes never gunna be able to TALK to anyone about shit if we keep being his voice

moving also sucked cause this was the year that ash and i were suposed to move back intogether and i saw a pic of us, the cutest one we have, where we are overlooking the colombia river out by the gorge, the picture was taken right after a little "argument" but we both look really happy in it, and it hit me pretty hard. Many people dont understand how i will always love rebecca and ash. i will always be here for them always its jsut how i am and it sucks that ash cant jsut be ash around me anymore...

Friends are getting engaded EVERYWHERE some of my best guy friends are getting engaged which is super exciting the woman that they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with are amazing and care about them more than anything else.

Chelsea and brads wedding was beautiful, the date was amazing, the emotion that flowded from that event made me grab my balls to make sure i stil had them haha i always feel like a love sick girl when it comes to weddings, they are beautiful and show hope for promises that we never intend to break. Despite the ugly fail rate of marriages in our age every wedding i see, i see passion, devotion, love, everything in its right place (change radio head song)


ohh what am i leaving out....

living on my own, knowing that i can afford this shit is nice, but i miss the boys, cant wait till they move in, i finally got that red couch ive dreamed of, slowly but surely these peices will fit in a romantic harmony that is kicking my ass as i write this, forever romance will be my vice...