Id Like to apologize for not writing you sooner. Much has happened much was not said, there are many blogs saved as drafts (from this past month) and today I will go back and publish them. I rarely keep my thoughts guarded, but when they involve others or implement a negative motive I tend to recluse in them, keep them for my private personal record and then release them when they are but history.
Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.
It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.
Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.
Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
someone
**edited after nasondra "incedent"**
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
please reassure me that this is what its really like
that this is what it will be like
that this is real
that love is real
this video fills me with the most emotion ever
in a moment that i can not be with the woman i love
in a moment that there is so much confusion
so much happiness
so much sadness
re-reading some of the blogs that i have written over the last weeks
and sharing them with you all i am still haunted by love
"haunted" because as i wrote in a blog at understandingbarcus.blogspot.com...
"love is easy" and "love is a battle field"
right now this video explains all that i feel
so completely overwhelmed
so completely shaken
this is no romeo and juliet love affair
no one is keeping us from each other
no one can be responsible but us
at this moment i am watching or listening to this video for the 4th time
tracing my finger over the surface referred to as a trackpad
i imagine it is skin, maybe not yours there is no real association with its texture
it is a comfort that i often find refuge in, skin
love is heart enriching, head expanding, soul questioning, strong
****** ADDED POST NASONDRA ******
THIS was a shoker that left me "shaken" (see above lol)
because at this point in our relationship (nasondra and i)
I had known without a doubt that she was a fake
and for her to share this with me to share something SO true
To use this tool to try to influnace my heart with THESE words was a blow
i watched this video a good 5 or 6 times when i wrote it
watched it again befor writing this update.
THESE words are true love, THESE words are just AMAZING
i dont think this update is necisary however i wanted to post them
im in love with this video and because of it im afraid i wont be falling inlove anytime soon :)
love you all
Sunday, November 2, 2008
4 drafts, waitting to be published
What importance does taht have?
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
it means there is uncertainty, it means that there are things unknown that i have a racing head and that i am finding little comfort in the things i DO know...
Feelings seem to be loosing meaning, loosing definition
Optimism has not changed, it is one of my few remaining feelings that still holds its previous value, still slightly shaky, still inviting me to embrace its warm touch
Love, has become deeper than i ever imagined, has pushed me to levels of tolerance i could previously see unfit for sustainability
Sustainability i think think this word hits the hardest is the connecting piece.
the definition of Sustainability = is the capacity to maintain a certain process or state indefinitely (wikipedia.org)
Currently i am uncertain or unable to face certain issues with the question "how long will i be able to sustain this, how long till i do hold you, till i do see you?"
ive only experienced a situation similar to this back at the beginning of the year, i look back on that time and compare... every little thing gets evaluated but my question is should love like this be evaluated, should there be questions about sustainability,
and what is it about the true deep love that i feel for her that vetoes it all, and makes me feel an overwhelming comfort in our future
only time will tell
Saturday, November 1, 2008
have you ever stared at your own face
(skip below for edited version)
today i am startin at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more id a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what ketst ar nect to which all i know si qwerty hahaha and maube asd?lol
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i se constant weight i see dedinition a beard that is almost reat i see strennght
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversyly it eddects people i wonder i wonder
iwonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appitite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the e=keys un thus art of the blof so i jsut closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenfe
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i knkow i will end u writting alooot
welll i htiknkk i will
im really nt sure
there is still MANY thinkgs yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loicng ioenness commng son
today i am starting at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more, i [have] a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what keys are next to which all i know is qwerty hahaha and maybe asd?lol (which i actually thought i was typing ads haha so noo i dont know those)
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i see constant weight i see definition a beard that is almost great i see strength
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversely it effects people i wonder i wonder
i wonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appetite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the keys on this part of the blog so i just closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenge
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i know i will end u writting alooot
welll i think i will
im really not sure
there is still MANY things yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loving blogness commng soon
today i am startin at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more id a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what ketst ar nect to which all i know si qwerty hahaha and maube asd?lol
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i se constant weight i see dedinition a beard that is almost reat i see strennght
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversyly it eddects people i wonder i wonder
iwonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appitite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the e=keys un thus art of the blof so i jsut closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenfe
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i knkow i will end u writting alooot
welll i htiknkk i will
im really nt sure
there is still MANY thinkgs yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loicng ioenness commng son
today i am starting at my face while i right this so there will be alot of typos that i will probably have to go back and correct im trying my damndest not to look at the keys i have a very different approch to typeing than most its more, i [have] a memorization of the keys i dont actually know where they are or what keys are next to which all i know is qwerty hahaha and maybe asd?lol (which i actually thought i was typing ads haha so noo i dont know those)
WOW thats the first smile ive had all morning
i look at my head and i see constant weight i see definition a beard that is almost great i see strength
but then i see a desire for connection for experiancing many feelings that i dont get to experiance often
sadness, i wonder how diversely it effects people i wonder i wonder
i wonder how imune ive become to it, sure ive lost my appetite and damn i keep cheating and looking at the keys on this part of the blog so i just closed my eyes
ok disipline lets not look stay in task in challenge
um not sure what exactly my plans are for today but i know i will end u writting alooot
welll i think i will
im really not sure
there is still MANY things yet to be answered its alllll sooo strange to me
anyways more loving blogness commng soon
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