i have started a live journal, i feel presure

So ive came here to dump my thoughts, i still feel more comfortable here in my blogger ATM, raw thoughts will always be more welcome here, at least it seems, THIS was the blog of half thoughts, a place for thoughts to brew, with no constructive shape or form, a place where sentance structure never mattered.

In my live journal i want to be more put together for the presentation purposes i belive, haha i jsut wrote i think but who am i kidding, im a whore for presentation, for being proper for being able to been seen in a certain light. We are all judged and in the new community enviroment of the Livejournal, at this moment i feel like the new kid in school and im nto quite ready to memory dump. i want a few solid thoughts on the table and this morning i can not come up with them.

Its exremely frustrating to me when i know i want to write about something yet i am choked by my own thoughts, extremely! i can be come music ADD, looking for a saltine cracker to pull out the moisture of my salty mind, yet the cracker has failed me. This morning the salt does not flow as it should, it is raining out side yet nothing is pouring out of this mind but the comfort of my metophores

I have also noticed a heightened sense of wanting to use spell check, WTF is this?! ME care about my grammar, yes its true things certainly are changing, as i review my blogs i am both extremely excited to see the flow of random thought without a care in the world, but as i am changed from the inside i become more aware of the outside, of what i would like to express to the outside and because of what i want to become i have to start sanding these forms instead of leaving them freshly cut from wood.

Maybe I just need to dump a few thoughts over in the Live journal from my collection of blogs over here to establish what I think would be a formidable foundation. I told that community I would, will I? Or will I leave it to be a blank slate for new thoughts? I have until the New Year, the new years posts will most definitely be posted there. Will I be ready for this new form of expression, I have never doubted my abilities before, let’s see if this young chap can focus and continue his passion in a slightly altered form.

I love all of you who have watched my blogs here, but I crave the community of LiveJournal please join me it truly is my passion that we will be able to share more thoughts together in LJ open environment.

http://ebarcus.livejournal.com

metaphors are easier for me, current mood

Do you remember the first time you went star gazing and someone pointed out a satellite in the sky and said look! They taught you if you were really still you could see them and that they had no blinking lights, those were airplanes. The next time you were out in the dark night full of stars you were searching for satellites with a few new friends. You informed them how to identify the imposters and you started your search. "There's one!" You would say, you’re proud to be the first to point it out. However someone quickly asks the congregation if they also see the blinking light that is on your satellite. They all agree in this friend’s discovery, a stillness overwhelms the group again and you feel slightly disappointed.

I'm tiered of airplanes, I want my satellite...

Exhausting nights, lady lights

It is on nights like this that I desire to come home to a woman most. The slightest connection with her form is an instant spark on my circuits and sends a refreshing charge to the batteries that are in deep sleep within my feet. I am tiered from my late nights and long work week. I have pushed thru 7 days of working 10hr days and have one last day to go. My day today has been filled with music that I wish to share with her. My mind has wondered here and there and wish to express its inner most core with her.

Ohh devendra banhart how I wish to lay down with a woman and listen to your beautiful songs. The comfort from these hippish songs allow me to stroke my beard and find comfort in self identity. The beard is not what defines me but yet it is I who groom my beard and the rest of myself into this object in which I will “flaunt” in order to find a “mate.” Flaunt and mate are in quotation marks simply for the fact that I do not have the energy to search for better words to relate to you the more deeper feelings that are related to these “feelings?”


Shit this blog is now lame, im done :) wifey i dont care if it takes me 10 yrs to finally be with you im glad we have taken the time to find each other and not settle no matter how attractive it may be at times

beautiful colors in the T-shirt of life

"However, the further I travel into my heart's inner workings, the more I find that the unexplored territory is beautiful, it's not flawed like I had once believed. Gaining familiarity with the little bit of myself that I have discovered has opened me up to a whole different thought process." - a woman i will always love


the act of searching for ones self is a beautiful thing, wait its actually usually quite dark and dirty. at least thats what we feel as we are taking that journey at least in the beginning thats how we feel.

its sorta like a tie dye T-shirt, you've got this bunched up white odd shaped "slate" in front of you. you start experiencing life and dipping it in some colors, there are phases of this process that are very bright and that you feel accomplished for. Then as you slow down and start analyzing what you've been doing it all starts to look like a mess because you've just got all these colors everywhere. Blues on top of oranges on top of reds, yellows and greens making a mess of things.

so you stop

you start to wonder how you got to this, wither or not you have taken all the right steps in creating yourself, wither or not your going to like the outcome of the product your trying to sell the world. a rubber band will coem off and you will see a wrinkle or two expand, the innocence of the blank slate shines thru a bit and you remember that once you were nothing but now you are something, what it is you are still not to certain.

you are now on a journey of undoing the rest of these bands that have separated points of definition in your life. with each one the final product begins to be more and more reviled, memories of what brought you to this point seem to unfold with great momentum, and you are completely overwhelmed and astonished at what you have created.

still unsure of your creation sill greatly overwhelmed with emotion you analyze your life, your T-shirt you find happiness and the pursuit of it, you find spots where the colors just didn't fit good together, you see lines that connect the experiences making the process seem somewhat constructed with meaning. Similarities within the ways all the colors connect bring a since of self recognition that at least you have found definition in the way you generally work and you sit in confusion once again as you try to further dilute your mind in thought.


My friends, the ones i love, and the ones i have yet to converse with, i tell you at this moment we are all in unison with each other, we are all on a journey of self exploration and your colors are beautiful, even the dark ones that seep in the cracks.

I love you all and i hope you are enjoying the journey as much as i am no matter how difficult it may seem now :) <3