There has been something inside of me calling me to live life as it plays out in my heart for a very long time. it has made me a simple person at heart. seeking out advancement only if needed, not out of desire or greed but out of survival. The greed of the world, the consumerism, the unproportionate meals disgust me.
everything that i enjoy that allows me to travel, to share these experiences to pour out my soul id trade to live as a nomad in the early "indian years" of the states. wie open plans, traveling, roaming, to collect not just food but knowledge, everything becomes more pricey, more respected, sought after with more passion... longed for like a warm shower after a long day of work, to live day by day in constant need, trusting in the lord, not waiting to be provided too but striving to provide for one self and loved ones is just... attractive to me
ugh, ugh ugh i started writing with a furry of emotion searching to desperately cry out my emotions in hopes to relate to someone that may read this, with no one in mind i continued to write, again stopping in frustration confused, wonder, what next, where next, who next...
peace, love, happiness xoxo
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
there is something you must know
ghosts, spirits, angels, demons, they surround us, as i write this i am struggling in ever since of the word, my hands cold and clammy my stomach uneasy, my mind wondering, words unable to explain though, a very calming and appropriate song plays in the back ground.
there are things i have experianced in this world that many will never understand. but ive seen them, felt them, played with them, for them, and rebuked them. They grow more and more found of me as i grow and develop, each new season in life brings bigger and more challenging times.
Little know this, but ive been seeking, or rather ive been longing for mentorship, a better understanding, a guidance for my spirits foot steps. You see i have seen therefore i can not deny them, for once i had faith, and now i have undying proof.
The more i write, talk and seek understanding for these gifts the more attack i feel, this will continue always i feel. I am writing this because of a book i am reading on this topic, a book of "fantasy" that tries to create a story for the "regular man" to understand, and it relates it SOO well. so much in fact that it brings an awakening to my spirit as i feel both good and evil tugging at my being.
i feel like i could write forever here in the comfort of this blog, but i know that i can not simply let that carry on. tonight i will be seeking a very intense encounter for the better of my spirit ugh i feel so weird writing that, this is just my honest "thoughts?" pouring out on paper, pray for me, for understanding, for the light of god to save your soul, awaken your spirit, and free your mind.
there are things i have experianced in this world that many will never understand. but ive seen them, felt them, played with them, for them, and rebuked them. They grow more and more found of me as i grow and develop, each new season in life brings bigger and more challenging times.
Little know this, but ive been seeking, or rather ive been longing for mentorship, a better understanding, a guidance for my spirits foot steps. You see i have seen therefore i can not deny them, for once i had faith, and now i have undying proof.
The more i write, talk and seek understanding for these gifts the more attack i feel, this will continue always i feel. I am writing this because of a book i am reading on this topic, a book of "fantasy" that tries to create a story for the "regular man" to understand, and it relates it SOO well. so much in fact that it brings an awakening to my spirit as i feel both good and evil tugging at my being.
i feel like i could write forever here in the comfort of this blog, but i know that i can not simply let that carry on. tonight i will be seeking a very intense encounter for the better of my spirit ugh i feel so weird writing that, this is just my honest "thoughts?" pouring out on paper, pray for me, for understanding, for the light of god to save your soul, awaken your spirit, and free your mind.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
grrr
As soon as my own father had stopped showing interest in my development i clang to God for his comfort, guidance and strenght. God and i had a very intimate relationship, I HEARD God and he had alwasy spoke so true to me.
I first noticed my dad "not giving a shit" when i would ask him questions i would have about electronics or computers, something my dad had similar interests in, and he would reply "I don't know man, your more into that stuff than me, you've surpassed my knowledge." and instead of walking beside me, taking me to a library, spending time with me to learn with me he "shunned" me off to my own room to play with my theories and grow on my own.
I am at a time in my life where i feel like god is doing the same. I have a question and i bring it to god, and i dont get the comfort from my child hood, maybe im not asking directly enough maybe im not trying hard enough. Im pretty sure ive given my dad more chances than God, but i feel as thou i shouldn't have to beg to get results from god.
maybe he is speaking to me, well id have to say he IS speaking to me about other things, suppose i should be looking into them first, this is a public acknowledgment that i hear his voice, i desire something differnt than the answers i am getting, and i hope to see myself change to listen to his words, and document those changes aswell, i will start anew journy to support his word, and we will hope that it will remain a good word as i have always trusted.
"Gather my broken heart, fragments to a whole... Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, but make it a whole, with light in every part"
I first noticed my dad "not giving a shit" when i would ask him questions i would have about electronics or computers, something my dad had similar interests in, and he would reply "I don't know man, your more into that stuff than me, you've surpassed my knowledge." and instead of walking beside me, taking me to a library, spending time with me to learn with me he "shunned" me off to my own room to play with my theories and grow on my own.
I am at a time in my life where i feel like god is doing the same. I have a question and i bring it to god, and i dont get the comfort from my child hood, maybe im not asking directly enough maybe im not trying hard enough. Im pretty sure ive given my dad more chances than God, but i feel as thou i shouldn't have to beg to get results from god.
maybe he is speaking to me, well id have to say he IS speaking to me about other things, suppose i should be looking into them first, this is a public acknowledgment that i hear his voice, i desire something differnt than the answers i am getting, and i hope to see myself change to listen to his words, and document those changes aswell, i will start anew journy to support his word, and we will hope that it will remain a good word as i have always trusted.
"Gather my broken heart, fragments to a whole... Let mine be a merry, all-receiving heart, but make it a whole, with light in every part"
Sunday, August 3, 2008
i promised myself that id blog more
because it keeps track of though and becuase it alows thought to flow in an organized fashion that frees my mind and comforts my spirit.
Thinking, seriously starting to think that you really can do to much of it, an unhealthy amount of it. Non stop cycleing, that silly mouse you see at the pet store non stop spinning on that sqeeky wheel. thats my brain, non stop, non medicated, fully aware
Its the sqeeking really that is the annoying part right, i mean plus the fact that hes running in circles, but thats only because he is trapped, i mean lets look at it this way...
There is this little mouse, stuck in a glass cage, thats our current debts, agreements, contracts, they kinda tie us down we can so a limited amount of thing within these confinements but somehow we CHOSE these confinements, for the most part we chose our school debt so that we could get a good education, we chose our car loan so we could have freedom, and we chose our job so that we could feel (key word) secure.
The more annoying thing to me is the squeaking, the fact that i cant just run in circles if i like running (or thinking) that there is always lubrication that needs to be applied to the damn wheel in order for the action of running to be efficient and fully enjoyed.
There are many things that act as lubricant in this world for our "sticky situations" that we wish would work more efficiently for us. almost all are temporary solutions similar to WD-40 on a door hinge.
I am still longing for a permanent solution. God is my lubricant i know this, his people, being in communion with them is when i find great joy. RELATIONSHIPS with strangers, friends, with fellow believers, with the one you are dating, THIS is the most important thing i hold dear and close to me. They are the lubricant to my wheel, right now my friendships need attention, i feel as if we are all off on our own, forgetting times that were and not planning any times to come. for this i am greatly saddened...
I dont even know what to right really i KNOW i cant finish it with that though for i would not be able to be seen as the true optimist that i am. I know seasons are more that what makes the flowers bloom, and the snow come for me to play in. They happen in life to, so as i am in this season of seeking still, seeking friendships, experience , relationship, i will remain optimistic, i will seek out your companionship and together we will go on an adventure seeking thrills and understanding.
love.
Thinking, seriously starting to think that you really can do to much of it, an unhealthy amount of it. Non stop cycleing, that silly mouse you see at the pet store non stop spinning on that sqeeky wheel. thats my brain, non stop, non medicated, fully aware
Its the sqeeking really that is the annoying part right, i mean plus the fact that hes running in circles, but thats only because he is trapped, i mean lets look at it this way...
There is this little mouse, stuck in a glass cage, thats our current debts, agreements, contracts, they kinda tie us down we can so a limited amount of thing within these confinements but somehow we CHOSE these confinements, for the most part we chose our school debt so that we could get a good education, we chose our car loan so we could have freedom, and we chose our job so that we could feel (key word) secure.
The more annoying thing to me is the squeaking, the fact that i cant just run in circles if i like running (or thinking) that there is always lubrication that needs to be applied to the damn wheel in order for the action of running to be efficient and fully enjoyed.
There are many things that act as lubricant in this world for our "sticky situations" that we wish would work more efficiently for us. almost all are temporary solutions similar to WD-40 on a door hinge.
I am still longing for a permanent solution. God is my lubricant i know this, his people, being in communion with them is when i find great joy. RELATIONSHIPS with strangers, friends, with fellow believers, with the one you are dating, THIS is the most important thing i hold dear and close to me. They are the lubricant to my wheel, right now my friendships need attention, i feel as if we are all off on our own, forgetting times that were and not planning any times to come. for this i am greatly saddened...
I dont even know what to right really i KNOW i cant finish it with that though for i would not be able to be seen as the true optimist that i am. I know seasons are more that what makes the flowers bloom, and the snow come for me to play in. They happen in life to, so as i am in this season of seeking still, seeking friendships, experience , relationship, i will remain optimistic, i will seek out your companionship and together we will go on an adventure seeking thrills and understanding.
love.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
romance
There is something about it, something that draws me very near, i have ALWAYS been one to romance over things.
Oh how i love finding new songs for my wife to hear, there are songs that i keep in a playlist if you will with letters that only she will hear, yes i may show the songs to you but you will never understand or recognize them as songs for her, unless you by some magical moment are touching my soul at the same time lol
Beauty, Romance, Togetherness, its just what this southern christian hippy longs for i cant explain it, nothing excited me more than these three, thank god i find all three in god, in our landscapes, andin our people.
Just a reflection on some internal working.
Oh how i love finding new songs for my wife to hear, there are songs that i keep in a playlist if you will with letters that only she will hear, yes i may show the songs to you but you will never understand or recognize them as songs for her, unless you by some magical moment are touching my soul at the same time lol
Beauty, Romance, Togetherness, its just what this southern christian hippy longs for i cant explain it, nothing excited me more than these three, thank god i find all three in god, in our landscapes, andin our people.
Just a reflection on some internal working.
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