my apologies

Id Like to apologize for not writing you sooner. Much has happened much was not said, there are many blogs saved as drafts (from this past month) and today I will go back and publish them. I rarely keep my thoughts guarded, but when they involve others or implement a negative motive I tend to recluse in them, keep them for my private personal record and then release them when they are but history.

Nasondra my “sweet lime” the girl I wrote about so much for the last few months was a complete fraud. Currently I am working on a LONG “blog” “story” “timeline of events” on the happenings between Nasondra and I. Long story short she realed me in by reading my blogs memorized almost everything about me, and used that to get me to fall for her. Her pictures, her life style, and the people that she talked about in everyday conversation where partial truths, fabricated realities that comforted her in the same ways that blogging comforts/excites me.

It is my opinion however that this or these acts, this “outlet” these “experiences” or “thrills”, this “purge of falsehood” these acts of “truth starvation” are just another way to escape reality. I tend to do this with my dreaming, my blogging is a reflection of those dreams, these dreams can be unhealthy. I also enjoy a drink every now and then, I try not to let myself drink in times of “high emotional traffic” so if im down, lets say… right after breaking up with a girl, or a pet dies, long deadening day at work… I wont drink, but non the less alcohol is an outlet to provide influence on reality.

Some may say that extensive drinking or lying are in no way related, that these two “acts” are different by nature, have different intentions, ect ect. To me they are the same, this is one thing that people seem hard to relate to me with and as a Christian I see it as a “weak point” in most “mature” Christians beliefs. All acts of deception, wither it be towards your inner self or that in which is inflected towards others are falsehoods which in one way or another apply a layer of dust on the truth. These layers of dust CAN have different quantities or instances of deception but in NO way is one layer thicker than the other. Think of them as sin, and if ALL sin is equal then ALL layers on deception are of the same gauge.

Sorry again for the lack of truth of my own thoughts, many times I withhold information to protect my own interest which im not sure if I can ever change, but thru time if like to see my writing develop into more of a spew. :)